A Pizza Tale Of Two Cities

(The house that I live in is on a large area of property. We are located right on the city limits between two cities, with one part of the property technically being in one city but the house itself in the other. A lot of times when we order anything for delivery I outfit the driver to call for directions because GPS has a hard time finding us and will usually send them farther down into the next city to a vet’s office. On this particular day I have ordered a pizza and put the usual instructions so I get a call.)

Driver: “Hey, um, the instructions said to call you for directions and my GPS isn’t coming up with anything when I put in the address; can you tell me how to get to you?”

Me: “Yeah, GPS has trouble with my house which is why I put that. So, from the direction of your store you are going to turn left onto the highway and go until you see [Street]. The next opening you need to do a U-turn and it will be the first white house on your right. Call me again if you have trouble.”

Driver: “Okay, so what I need to do is [repeats directions]?”

Me: “Yes, exactly, but like I said if you still get lost call me.”

(He hangs up and I wait for delivery which should be about ten minutes since that is how far the place is from me. Fifteen minutes pass and it hasn’t arrived yet, then I get a call from the guy again:)

Driver: “Hey, so, when I got off the phone I found the actual directions to your house on the GPS and I am in front of the vet’s office. Where is your house?”

Me: “No, I know where my house is. Those are wrong directions. That is why I told you how to find me because otherwise you’ve gone too far. Now you need to turn around and go back and once you see [Street] we are the white house on the right. Got that?”

Driver: “Yeah, okay; I’ll see you soon.”

(Barely a minute passes when he calls me again.)

Driver: “Listen, I still don’t see your house so I’m just going back to the store and you can pick your pizza up there.”

Me: “I don’t have a car right now. That’s why I ordered delivery. Have you seen [Street] yet?”

Driver: “No, I’m not that far yet.”

Me: “Okay, listen I’ll just stay on the phone with you and do a step by step directions to my house. Where are you now?”

(He starts telling me the landmarks and the whole time is telling me he’s just going back to the store and I can pick up my food there and why did I give him wrong instructions. I’m ignoring all his comments at this point and am literally doing a step by step in which he still gets even more lost because he does about two more turns that I didn’t tell him to do. Finally he makes it to my house.)

Driver: “Wow, this is the hardest house to find! You need to give me a really big tip for all the trouble I had to go through just to find you.”

Me: “Listen, dumb-a**! If you had followed my directions in the first place none of this would’ve happened! What made you think I didn’t know my address?! Do you need help getting home or something because I know I don’t! You’re lucky I’m even giving you a tip at all with the s***ty service you just provided and complaining the whole way!”

Driver: “God! I was just saying. No need to be such a b****.”

(After that, anytime I ordered from there I made sure to ask for any driver but him and about three months later the driver who was quite familiar with me now told me he got fired because he would drive to the corner store, claim he couldn’t find the address, and call people to go pick up their pizza from the store.)