Unfiltered Story #301957

(Mum and I are waiting for our programme to start, so we’ve turned over to the channel it’s going to be on in preparation as there’s naff all on. We’re catching the tail end of a programme sharing ‘secrets’ in supermarket food. The presenter is talking about premade cake from the supermarket)

Presenter: “This cake shares an ingredient that’s also in anti-freeze. Are you still interested in eating it?”

Poor people who are having their favourite food ruined: “No. Really not.”

Mum: “Does it? What ingredient?”

Me (to mum): “One that’s perfectly safe to consume – most likely the preservative in it as well. She’s just going for shock value. Almonds contain cyanide. Apple seeds contain arsenic. Both are pretty poisonous to humans. Does that put you off eating almonds and apples?”

Mum: “I like to eat apple cores.”

Me: “You are eating arsenic.”

Mum: “It’s obviously what makes me so toxic.”

(It’s the next day. Due to my intolerance to milk, I am trying a nut variety milk in tea whilst watching tv with mum. An advert comes on boasting it contain good stuff for your hair)

Mum: “They boast having this, but pretty sure the Ancient Greeks had hair and no fancy conditioner”

Me: (after googling it) “It’s an common element of root veg, citrus fruit, soya, leafy greens… So they probably just rubbed potatoes in their hair or something”

Mum: “… It’s just like the anti-freeze cake. ‘It has this in it which is special!’ – it’s just vegetables”

Me: “Almonds contain cyanide!”

(There’s a pause)

Me: “I’m drinking cyanide!”

Mum: (at the same time) “You’re drinking cyanide!”