Unfiltered Story #262222

For the past few months I’ve been involved in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign over a popular online RPG platform and voice chat. The DM and another player live in Scotland, two are in the USA near the East Coast, two are in Bristol, and I myself am in the West Midlands, so with the geographical constraints we have limited time to get together and play.

The current campaign is a homebrew based on 5th Edition, and is expected to last for about a year and a half at the current rate of play. We’ve quickly worked out some quirks to each character – my female alcoholic bisexual monk has fallen in love with the (female) NPC team leader who is also a mad scientist, our barbarian is a crazed dwarf who gets enraged at the slightest provocation, and our warlock, the only non-good team member, is a power-obsessed psychopath who wants to kill the rest of the party.

Not long ago, we were asked to locate a missing item by the team leader NPC, hidden at her former base in a cave. We turn up, fight through the usual group of enemies, and are targeted by two Water Weirds in the river that flows into the cave entrance. These are basically creatures made entirely of water, that can’t exist away from the river or lake that sustains them, and the best solution to dealing with them is to run away to dry ground.

After weakening them both, we happen to bring one to the point of around 1HP. The dwarf barbarian reaches his turn, and loudly announces, “I drink the water weird”. Cue laughter and confusion from the rest of the party on voice chat. The DM agrees, and asks him to roll a D20 to hit. It passes, and the dwarf proceeds to start sucking and slurping down the collapsed water creature, swallowing it whole.

Then, the DM announces that a Constitution Save is required. No-one is quite sure what this means, and the dwarf rolls. He winds up with… a natural 1. A critical fail. And so, he immediately proceeded to defecate and vomit repeatedly, passing the water weird’s flailing and deceased corpse through his body until he was completely cleared out. The dwarf then had to make his way back through the forest, covered in vomit and feces, until we reached civilisation once more.

A few sessions later, the same dwarf would be killed in battle and return as a zombie, unchanged except for a predilection for eating brains – rather unusual for a Chaotic Good character, but arguably one of the tamest parts of the campaign…