Weapons Of Mass Dysfunction

(We sell weapons for theater and film. The phone rings.)

Me: “[Store], your epic armoury. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Aw, yeah, I got your number from the Internet. Do you sell, like, antique swords and that?”

Me: “Sorry, no. Our weapons are all modern recreations. They’re for theater, film, or LARP, depending on the brands.”

Customer: “Yeah, right, right. Have you got any katana brand swords?”

Me: “Do you mean Katana Craft?”

Customer: “Nah, nah, just katana brand.”

Me: “Other than KC there’s no ‘katana brand.’ That’s just a particular type of sword.”

Customer: “Yeah, have you got any in?”

Me: “We’ve got [rattles off LARP- and theater-use brands].”

Customer: “And those are, like, metal, yeah? Like, I can just get one and put them on the wall?”

Me: “Uh, not quite. We’ll need to see your license and need proof that you have an appropriate lock-up for the weapons.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Well, if you’re Victorian based, then the local legislation treats them as a deadly weapon. You’ll need a permit or prohibited weapons license, and an appropriate storage unit, like a clear fronted gun cabinet.”

Customer: “So how do I get a license?”

Me: “You go somewhere that offers training in your weapon of choice, or to a larger police station.”

Customer: “Oh, so, like, I should just go to the police station and tell them I want to buy a whole bunch of swords but I don’t have a case?”

Me: *sigh* “Yeah… That’s what you should do.”