(As a senior with a heavy workload and the recent purchase of several lengthy novels, I’ve forgone sleep in favor of memorizing a long list of anatomical terms for class and then a good read. The next day, I’m in the dining hall with a thermos of coffee and a bowl of cereal, and in a very grumpy, tired mood. Suddenly, a freshman who spoke to me a few weeks back plops down accross the table.)

Me: *Looks up and nods in greeting*

Freshman: *Cheerily* “Aren’t you going to drink anything? You know you’re supposed to drink water or juice at breakfast, rght?”

Me: *Gestures to coffee* “This’ll do.”

Freshman: “And what about meat? See, I got bacon. You should, too.”

Me: “I’m vegetarian.”

(At this point, I’d like nothing better to ask her to leave, and very bluntly at that. But besides being a bit short, I manage to keep from being mean.)

Freshman: “Yeah, but you should still eat meat. Don’t you know its good for you? And you really need to get something to drink…” *Keeps prattlig on, even when the bell rings*

Me: *Stands up and collects things* “Well, as enlightening as this has been, I’ve got to go to class. Good day.”

(Definitely not the best start to my morning.)

My mom sends me a text that says: Here is the number for free towing tonight. No membership required up to ten miles free, and yes I know you don’t have a car. Happy New Year!

Me: You realize this has been all over Facebook for a week, right?

Mom: The number your sister posted was only for Southern California, I wanted to make sure you had the right number!

Me: She constitutes less than one half of one percent of all my friends.

Mom: Guess you didn’t get the Asperger’s gene then!

(I recently started a new task and moved to a different building. A few weeks after starting the following is sent as a building-wide e-mail. Note: the 4th floor is “management land”.)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

On a couple of different occasions, lunches from the refrigerator on the 4th floor kitchen were reported missing. Beverages have been consumed or emptied and put back as well as frozen meals removed and the empty boxes returned to the freezer. Our first thought was that these were mistakes or employees not paying attention and mistakenly taking the wrong meal/beverage. However, it has happened on too many occasions for it to be a mistake. Please be cognizant when taking things from the refrigerator and ensure you only take what is yours. If the culprit is caught (and we have our ways), disciplinary action will occur.

We sincerely request that all of us respect the property of our fellow employees no matter what it is.

We are open to ideas on resolution of this problem (please reach out to your HR Business Partner with suggestions).

Thank you,

Leadership team

(I’m glad I’m on a different floor, and our room has its own refrigerator.)

(I’m on my way to Supanova Pop Culture Expo a few years ago. Usually the train running stops at the show grounds station but due to some technical issue along the train line the train can’t run so there are replacement buses that run along an alternative route what normally is a 15 minute train trip turns into a 30 minute bus trip. There are a large group of people on the bus and I’m sitting in the front seat behind the driver. It becomes obvious that the driver doesn’t know the route when we see him check a street directory a few times. As we pull up at some traffic lights I notice that we are definitely going to be going the wrong way and the driver seems to realise too, turns to me and asks)

Driver: “Damn, are we supposed to up that way” *points towards the right*

Me: “Yeah otherwise you’ll end up in City Beach” (30 minutes away from where we need to be)

Driver: “Ah righto, hang on”

(The driver waits till the lights turn green and turns right crossing 6 lanes in front of oncoming traffic in both directions. As we come over a hill we pull up behind another train replacement bus, the driver radio’s the driver in front)

Driver: “Hey *driver* can I follow you? I’ve never done this route before”

Woman behind me: “Yeah no shit”

Other Driver: “Yeah *our driver* No problem”

(15 minutes later as we finally reach our destination a large group of get off the bus and the woman who was sitting behind me shouts)

Woman: “OH THANK GOD WE’RE ALIVE! Shit I hope the trains are back on when we’re leaving”

(Unfortunately the trains were still out of service when I was leaving a few hours later. I ended up walking 20 minutes to the main road to get a bus from there)

I was working as a wrangler at a resort ranch. Folks come up from the city to play cowboy for a weekend. I would take care of the horses, get them saddled, bridled and get the guests mounted up. I’d escort them on trail rides. One guy saw this entire process and I spoke to him for much of the hour on the trail. When I got him off the horse he actually asked me what I do for a living. I just dropped my head and said, “You tell him” to a fellow wrangler and walked into the barn. Surely barn doors are really just entries to alternate realities where horses go into stasis with no bodily functions. Kind of like parking a car. And who would want to be paid for dealing with the people?