Caller: “Hey, I just got a text from [Rental Company] saying my truck was stolen, but that doesn’t make any sense because I just returned it.”

Me: “Really? Dang, that sounds terrible! When was the last time you saw it?”

Caller: “Well, see, I’m not the one who turned it in; it was my brother. I gave him the keys and he took it to the [Rental Company] place and dropped it off after hours.”

Me: “I… see. And do you happen to know how exactly he went about that?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t know. He parked it in front of your lot.”

Me: “Sir, can you tell me exactly WHERE he parked it?”

Caller: “Well, see, the center was closed, and he didn’t want to trespass or nothing, so he left it on the edge of that gas station right next door to you.”

Me: “Sir, he didn’t leave it on our premises, so it wasn’t turned in properly.”

Caller: “Hey, he sent me pictures. I’m not responsible for this. My brother turned it in, and I can prove he did.”

Me: “Did he make sure to turn in the key?”

Caller: “How was he supposed to do that? You were closed.”

Me: “Sir, there’s an after-hours drop box where you’re supposed to leave your key. You’re telling me he didn’t turn in the key?”

Caller: “No, man! He left it in the center console!”

Me: “…and he didn’t lock the doors?”

Caller: “Well, he wasn’t going to lock the keys in. That’d be pretty stupid, right?”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Anyway, I got pictures, so I can prove my brother turned it in. I won’t be held responsible, and I ain’t paying any damn fees.”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “So we’re good, right? I did my part. I called it in. Now it’s your problem.”

Me: “Sir, it is absolutely still your problem. That truck was stolen due to negligence. You should have told your brother how to turn it in, or else drove it in yourself. It’s still your name on the rental.”

Caller: “No way! I got pictures! I can prove he turned it in! You can’t make me pay for this! It wasn’t my fault! That truck was there, right in front of your place last night! Do you want me to send you the pictures he took?”

Me: “Sir, did you get the text from [Rental Company] before or after your brother sent you the pictures?”

Caller: “Oh, I got the text WAY after, but it doesn’t matter because we turned it in.”

Me: “Let me transfer you to customer service…”

Me: “Good morning, [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, [My Name]. How are you?”

Me: “I’m well, and yourself?”

Customer: “Oh, my god, and you speak English properly! I’m doing amazing, thank you!”

Me: “…”

(I work for a rental car company that is known for picking up their customers to bring them back to the office. We get a call from a near-by body shop that a customer with a high-dollar insurance policy is waiting in their office to be picked up by Rental Company. I pick up the customer, have nice small-talk with them, and bring them back to the office and begin typing the rental ticket.)

Me: “All right, sir, I’m just going to need your driver’s license and your credit card to get started.”

Customer: “Okay, great. Now, my insurance agent said you would have either a Cadillac or a Town Car for me. I’ll take whichever one you have ready right now.”

Me: “Uh… neither. I don’t carry that kind of car at my branch. I mostly deal in insurance-replacement rentals, like yours. I carry cars like the Nissan Versa, or Chevy Impala, but nothing like a Cadillac or a Lincoln product.”

Customer: “Are you serious? Why on earth would you bring me here if you don’t have the car I was promised?”

Me: “Well, I didn’t promise you anything, but here’s what I can do: I have a Chevy Suburban right here, ready to go. It’s not a Cadillac Escalade, but Cadillac is a GM product, Chevy is a GM product, so really these two cars are just distant cousins.”

Customer: “No. They’re not even close to the same. Clearly you can’t help me here, so just take me back to the body-shop. I’ll make other arrangements for a rental vehicle.”

Me: “Whatever you think is best, sir.”

(We get back in the car, which happens to be a Nissan Versa, which is important because the shifter on those cars is very close to the passenger’s seat. As I am backing up the car I say:)

Me: “Mr. [Customer], it is always our goal at [Rental Company] that you are completely satisfied with our customer service and I feel like we weren’t able to do that for you today. If there is anything I can do to make you completely satisfied, just let me know.

(At this moment I reach for the shifter to put the car into drive…. but I missed. And I accidentally grabbed his knee. He looks down at my hand on his knee. Looks me dead in the eye and says:)

Customer: “You’re not making it up to me like that!”

(I am the customer, picking up a rental car. The clerk has a trainee who is doing the looking-for-damages walk around the car.)

Trainee: *opens trunk* “No dead bodies!”

Me: “Is that an extra cost option?”

Trainee: “Not if you bring it back in the same condition.”

Me: “I’ll do my best…”

(I’m the customer in this story. I got in on a very late flight on a business trip, rented a car, and received what appeared to be the valet key set, without a remote. I’m not able to open the car door the next morning using the key. When I call the rental agency, I’m polite but feeling very self-righteous over having been given something obviously defective. After a rather lengthy phone call, they agree to send a locksmith to meet me in front of my hotel as soon as possible. I meet him & walk him out to where my car is parked.)

Me: “Thanks for coming. I have a coworker who can take me into the office, but the agency said I needed to meet you here to see if you can get the door open so I can take the car back.”

Locksmith: “No problem. So, the key doesn’t work to unlock it?”

Me: “Yeah. Last night I was able to turn the car on and I was able to lock it, but now I can’t get the key to turn in the lock!”

Locksmith: “Okay, there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with this lock. You said you were able to lock the car with your keys last night?”

Me: “Yes. Well, I think. It was late, and now I don’t remember if I used the key or just flipped the lock manually before closing the door.”

Locksmith: “Uh huh. So, it’s not hard to pop these kinds of doors, but there are a couple of things. One, we wanna make sure you can turn on the car after I open the door, just in case the key is warped.”

Me: “Definitely!”

Locksmith: “And also, I’m noticing there’s an identical gray Kia SUV five parking spots down in the parking lot. Now, opening this door is pretty much like breaking into a car. Are you completely sure it’s this one and not that one?”

Me: “I know where I parked last night!”

Locksmith: “Well, if you’re sure. You said it was pretty late.”

Me: “Umm, now that you mention it…”

(Yes, I had mistaken a total stranger’s car for my rental. I’m just lucky I didn’t try to have that total stranger’s car towed, thinking there was something wrong with it!)