(I am working as a technician at one of the pop-up theatres at the Edinburgh Fringe when this happens. As with most places, we have the usual ‘Technician Sands’ code-words to use over the radios so we didn’t panic any customers.)

Coworker: “Can… Erm… Can we please have… Technician Scooby to the main theatre space, please?”

(This was a new one we’d never heard before, so about four of us showed up, only to be greeted by a very excitable small dog running around the stage.)

Coworker: “I didn’t know what to say for ‘there’s a dog loose in the building!'”

(This is a conversation overheard between my coworker and two customers. Customer #1 is male and at the front of the queue, and has rather a large order of coffees. Customer #2 is behind him, a smaller woman who appears to be waiting impatiently. Our coffee machine on the bar is one of the typical barista-style ones with the nozzle for foaming the milk in a jug.)

Customer #1: *to my coworker* “So, I’ll have two cappuccinos.”

(My coworker makes them.)

Customer #1: “And two more, please.”

(My coworker makes them.)

Customer #1: “And a black coffee.”

(My coworker makes it.)

Customer #1: “And a tea.”

(My coworker makes it.)

Customer #1: “And three more cappuccinos. Sorry, love.”

(My coworker makes them. Thankfully after this, the customer decides that’s more than enough coffee for his group, and pays. Unfortunately, what with it being a very busy show, us being only a small bar, and his having ordered so many coffees, we have already run out of milk. My coworker turns to Customer #2 at this point and greets her.)

Coworker: “Good evening. What can I get you?”

Customer #2: “One cappuccino please.”

(My coworker explains to her that we are currently out of milk because of the large order she just took. The look on the woman’s face turns to pure rage.)

Customer #2: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MILK?!”

(The entire room stops and falls silent.)

Customer #2: *still shouting* “I NEED MY COFFEE. WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?!”

(My coworker is biting back the urge to retort, judging by her face. I decide to step in.)

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but my coworker just explained to you the situation. We can either make you a tea and get you some milk sachets from the lower bar, or we can send you there to get filter coffee.”

Customer #2: *turns to me* “Oh, FORGET IT! You stupid people, not having any milk! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Madam, you have shouted at my coworker and me, and insulted us. I am refusing you service in this bar for the entire evening. Please leave.”

(Customer #2 shoots me a dirty look and storms out. As she does so, a few of the patrons applaud. Customer #1 approaches the bar.)

Customer #1: “If I had known she was going to be that nasty without coffee I would willingly have given up one of mine. Glad I didn’t have to, though!”

(He left a £5 tip!)

(I’m watching a play with my mom and suddenly her cell phone starts ringing pretty loudly. My mom starts fumbling for her mobile and starts getting nervous as people are now looking at us, and the phone keeps ringing.)

Mother: “I can’t find it. I’ve looked for it everywhere.”

Me: “Try a bit harder, then.”

Mother: “But it’s not here!”

Me: “Well, it has to be.”

Mother: “No. I must have left it at home!”

(I’m 15 and performing in a musical as a backup singer. I spend most of the show singing in the orchestra pit, so I’m only on stage for a few non-musical scenes. My teenage friends have come to see the show.)

Friend #1: “Have you seen [My Name] yet?”

(A rather risqué dance number starts.)

Friend #2: “I hope not!”

(I am working backstage for a production and catch the end of a conversation between the assistant stage manager and backstage hand.)

Backstage Hand: “They don’t just poop. They also wag their tail to send to poop flying.”

Assistant Stage Manager: “That is disgusting.”

Me: “Are you two talking about the dominance display of the hippo?”

Backstage Hand: “More of how they mark their territory.”

Assistant Stage Manager: “I don’t know which is weirder: that hippos actually do that, or that you both knew that fact.”