(I and the rest of the community theater cast have just finished performing and are all standing in a line by the exit, so the audience can speak to us on the way out if they choose. Amongst the usual congratulations, I get this very strange interaction… For the sake of the story, it should be noted that I am female and am naturally well endowed.)

Audience Member: “You all did wonderful tonight!”

Me: “Thank you!”

Audience Member: “So, what are they made of?”

Me: “Huh?”

Audience Member: *gestures to her upper body* “You know, what are they made of?”

Me: *looks down at my costume, then back up* “You mean my dress?”

Audience Member: “No, your fake boobs.”

Me: *stares in shocked confusion*

Audience Member: “It’s just, how do you get them so round?”

(Having no idea how to respond to this comment, I continue to stare at her in complete befuddlement. After a few moments she seems to take the hint and leaves. I turn to the young male cast member next to me.)

Me: “That was really awkward.”

Cast Member: “Yup.”

(I’m still debating whether or not I should take her assumption as a compliment or an insult.)

(I’m the director of a play in the Vancouver Fringe. My show, like many in the festival, is outdoors. We can’t block off the area to foot traffic, but we do place signs indicating that a performance is underway. A woman passing through stops and joins the crowd. I sidle up to her and whisper, so as not to distract the actors:)

Me: “Hi there! Just so you know, this performance is part of the Vancouver Fringe Festival and it is a ticketed event. If you’d like to join us another night, you can buy tickets online or before the performance at the site.”

Her: “But it’s out here in a public place.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is true, and this performance is part of the Vancouver Fringe Festival and it is a ticketed event. If you’d like to join us another night, you can buy tickets online or before the performance at the site.”

Her: “Well, I want to watch.”

Me: “I completely understand; it’s an excellent show, but this performance is part of the Vancouver Fringe Festival and it is a ticketed event. If you’d like to join us another night, you can buy tickets online or before the performance at the site.”

Her: “You can’t make me leave. It’s a public place.”

Me: “That’s true, ma’am, but this performance is part of the Vancouver Fringe Festival and it is a ticketed event. If you’d like to join us another night, you can buy tickets online or before the performance at the site.”

Her: “You’re making me miss what the actors are saying!”

Me: “Yes, I am. This performance is part of the Vancouver Fringe Festival and it is a ticketed event. If you’d like to join us another night, you can buy tickets online or before the performance at the site.”

(She finally gave me a filthy look and stormed off. Sadly, she was not the last person I had to employ this strategy on.)

(I work in a theatre that occasionally shows films. One week, we are showing “Snakes on a Plane.”)

Customer: “What is that film about?”

Me: “Well, there’s this plane…”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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(During my senior year of high school, I volunteer to stay after school to help out the theater department by painting sets for their next production. I’m a very quiet, unassuming girl who is well known for sticking to myself and not talking much, and though I have no problems with the theater students, I only really have one friend in the group who knows me.)

Theater Student #1: “Okay, I’m tired of listening to [local radio station notorious for playing the same handful of pop songs every hour or so]. Why don’t we put on someone’s iPod or something?”

Theater Student #2: “Does anyone have anything with them?”

Friend: “[My Name] has a book of CDs in her backpack. Our art teacher lets us listen to them during class because we got sick of the radio, too.”

Theater Student #1: “Yeah, but what does [My Name] really listen to? She looks like a Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus kind of girl.”

(All of a sudden and with the best timing ever, my phone starts ringing. My ringtone is the song “Night Surgeon” from the hyper-violent musical film, “Repo! The Genetic Opera,” which I and many of the theater students are huge fans of, and no one realizes it’s coming from my phone until I answer it.)

Theater Student #1: “On second thought, I want to see these CDs now!”

This story is part of our Musical Theater Roundup!

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Read the Musical Theater Roundup!

(I work in the wardrobe department maintaining costumes and as a dresser. One day I get called into one of the male dressing rooms by the company stage manager, as Actor #1 needs me.)

Me: “Hi, [Actor #1], how can I help?”

Actor #1: “I put my towel in to wash last night but I haven’t had one back yet. Please, can you get me one?”

Me: “That’s strange. I’m sure I put one in here for you. Yes, here it is.”

(It is on the back of his chair but he had put his coat over the top. Then the next night I get called in again.)

Actor #1: “Sorry, I couldn’t find my towel again but it’s okay I’ve got it.” *holding up [Actor #2]’s towel*

Me: “Sorry, that’s not your towel. That’s [Actor #2]’s.”

Actor: “How can you tell? It’s white the same as mine and was next to my stuff on the desk so it must be mine.”

Me: “It’s got his name written all over it in permanent pen because it’s his own towel from home.”

Actor: “Oh, yeah, I didn’t notice that. So where’s mine?”

Me: “It’s under your coat again.”

Actor: “Oh, sorry!”

(Then two days later the company stage manager says Actor #1 needs me again.)

Me: “Let me guess; he can’t find his towel again?”

Manager: “Yup!”

(I go in.)

Actor #1: “I need a clean towel, please. Mine didn’t come back from the wash.”

Me: “Yeah, it did!”

Actor #1: “But I’ve looked everywhere I even checked on my chair under my coat!”

(I go to his chair lift his coat up and then his shirt, which he put there ready for going out after the show, to reveal his towel.)

Me: “One towel!”

Actor #2: “Did you seriously call her in her to find your towel again?!”

Actor #1: “But I looked under my coat and couldn’t find it.”

Actor #2: “You’re such an idiot sometimes!”