The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

| Working | February 14, 2014

(My wife has somewhat of a notoriously free-associating mind, and it’s always entertaining to be around her. We are at home, and the phone rings.)

Wife: “Hello?”

Salesperson: “Hello and happy Christmas! Can I speak to [Wife] please?”

Wife: “I’m sorry. I’m not in today.”

Salesperson: *silent for the longest time, trying to process this gem*

Wife: “Thank you.”

Salesperson: *click*

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Channeling Good Customer Service

| Right | February 7, 2014

(I’m the bad guy in this one. I enjoy messing with telemarketers and wasting their time. Most telemarketers aren’t allowed to hang up on you. They’re required to give the whole spiel, regardless of what you say or don’t say, and wait for an answer.)

Caller: “Good afternoon, Mr. [My Name]. My name is [Name], and I’m calling from [Telephone Company]. How are you today?”

Me: “Please hold.”

(I place the handset down in front of the television, which is turned to a 24-hour news station, and I walk away. Ten minutes later, I come back to hang up the handset, and notice that the line is still live. I can hear the telemarketer on the other end talking to a coworker.)

Caller: “…apparently we still have troops in Afghanistan. And Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Hang on. I hear breathing! Mr. [My Name], are you there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but Mr. [My Name] isn’t available. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “Sure. Tell him to set the TV to Comedy Central next time I call. You have a nice day.”

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 4

| Working | February 5, 2014

(My dad is the go to guy in our neighbourhood for PC advice. We have at least five calls a day asking for help on this thing or that thing. As a joke my dad starts answering phones saying ‘Software support.’)

Dad: “Software Support.”

Telemarketer: “Hi… Uh, what?”

Dad: “Yes, you’re through to the software support line. How can I help?”

Telemarketer: “Oh… uhm, sorry. I was calling a Mr [Family Name]. Is he there?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Is it regarding software issues?”

Telemarketer: “Er, no. We want to talk about his credit rating.”

Dad: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you there. You called me because of your software issues.”

(At this point the telemarketer is so confused they forget who actually placed the call.)

Telemarketer: “Oh, did you call me about the PC I’m on?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Is that where your software issues are?”

Telemarketer: “Well yes… Uh, sort of. It’s running really, really slowly.”

Dad: “Ah, I see. I will contact someone about this right away. Bye now.” *click*

(To this day I do not know exactly how long the telemarketer waited about his IT problem, but I do know we were never called by that company again!)

 

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Death Of A Telesalesman

| Working | January 3, 2014

(We’ve been being bothered by a telemarketing firm soliciting contributions for a shady-seeming charity. Their gimmick is to ask “Is ‘[Name]’ there?” and use that as a hook to segue into their script. We’d gone from saying “No, thank you.” to “NO!” to just hanging up, but they still call. I have tried saying ‘Which one? There are two [Name]s here right now.’ and the caller was able to leverage that into his spiel! I do have to give him credit for thinking that fast, though! I finally decided to try something else.)

Telemarketer: “Hi. Is [Name] there?”

Me: “I guess you didn’t hear. She finally passed away last night and is free of the pain. Were you a friend of hers?”

Telemarketer: “Er, no. Sorry to have bothered you.”

(He hung up and we haven’t been called since!)

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Talking At Cross-Channels

| Working | December 20, 2013

(I have tired of paying for cable since I rarely watch television and I cancel my subscription. A month later I get rid of my two television sets. A year after that I get a call from a telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “That’s nice, but I don’t own a TV. So, no, thank you.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “However, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

Telemarketer: “But if you get cable you will pay more if you don’t bundle.”

Me: *sighs* “No, I don’t want cable for TVs that I don’t own. I am hanging up now.”

(The next day I get a different telemarketer from the same company.)

Other Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t own a television set.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “Yes. I understand that, but as I said to you and the person yesterday, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

(This happens again for the next two days, with different telemarketers.)

Me: “You know, I just talked to a couple different people this week. Why don’t you get me your supervisor?”

(The telemarketer gets the supervisor, who talks very condescendingly.)

Supervisor: “Hello. Let me explain how bundling works for the cable and your current phone and internet plan.”

Me: “Please stop and listen to what I am about to say. I DO NOT WANT CABLE BECAUSE I DO NOT OWN A TELEVISION SET. As in there is NO television for the output of said cable TV. So it would be a waste of my money and your time since I do not own a television set.”

(There is a very long pause until the supervisor’s light bulb goes on.)

Supervisor: “Oh, you don’t… Oh, you don’t HAVE A TV?! Oh, well, then. You won’t be needing cable at all. I will put a note on your file that you have no TV and not to call you about cable.”

(I broke a slew of telemarketers since not owning a TV is not in their training!)

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