Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

| Working | October 14, 2013

Telemarketer: “Hello there, I am calling to see if you would like a free consultation on home alarms.”

Me: “No thanks.”

Telemarketer: “Are you sure? What happens if a robber breaks into your house?”

Me: “I will deal with that situation if and when it happens.”

Telemarketer: “Are you sure? I would get an alarm if I were you. A robber broke into my house last month and stole my dog!”

Me: “What kind of dog was it?”

Telemarketer: “…what?”

Me: “The robber stole your dog, right? What kind of dog was it?”

Telemarketer: “Oh, it was a pug!”

Me: “What was its name?”

Telemarketer: “…what?”

Me: “What. Was. Its. Name?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “I know you are reading off a script, so let me give you advice: if you are going to lie, come up with something believable and be ready to back your story up!”

Telemarketer: “Hey, wow thanks! So… can I sign you up for a consultation to defend your house from a robber who might steal your dog?”

Me: *click*

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Unsure How To Insure, Part 3

| Working | September 13, 2013

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from [Credit Card Company]. I would like to tell you about our life insurance for only $10 a month.”

Me: “Hello, I’m sorry but I already have a life insurance with another company.”

Caller: “Don’t you care about your family?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Because if you die, your family will get [amount].”

Me: “I’ve already told you. It’s already covered by another company! I’m sorry; I’m working right now and can’t discuss this any longer.”

Caller: “Well I hope you get hit by a car on your way out!” *click*

 

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Lost In Donation

| Working | August 8, 2013

(Spanish is my first language, but since I speak fluent English without an accent, people do not generally realize this. I am also in my 20s, but I sound about 12. I get a call from a charity looking for donations.)

Caller: “Hello, this is [charity]. We are going by your neighborhood tomorrow, and we just wanted to know if you have anything to donate. Can I talk to your mom or dad?”

Me: “Well, I’m actually in charge of my own donations. You see, I live on my own. Do you mind if I check my house to see if I could donate anything?”

Caller: “I SAID GET YOUR MOM OR DAD!”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “What part of get your mom and dad didn’t you understand? Get them!”

Me: “Look, miss, I tried to tell you. I live on my own. I am an independent adult. My mom and dad live nowhere near here, nor are they in charge of what I donate. Now could you give me a minute to look around my house for items and call back?”

Caller: “Look, I can’t believe you’re being so rude. I said we’re coming to your neighborhood tomorrow. Ask your mom and dad if they want to donate anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I really can’t ask them that. They live over 500 miles away from here. They are not here. I cannot ask them.”

(I can hear her muttering as she puts the information into the computer.)

Caller: *in Spanish* “I don’t know what’s wrong with this b****. F****** idiot girl.”

(The caller then switches to English, with a very rude tone.)

Caller: “Okay, that’ll be it. We’ll call back later, and you better let me speak to your parents then. Goodbye.”

Me: “Wait.”

Caller: “WHAT?”

Me: *in perfect Spanish* “For the last time, I am AN ADULT. My parents do not live with me. Even if I was not an adult, you have no right to speak about me that way just because you didn’t think I knew Spanish. Transfer me to your supervisor, please.”

Caller: “What? Well, I wouldn’t have said that if you had told me you understood Spanish! Next time tell me if you know Spanish, so I know not to say that!”

Me: “Understand this, miss. Transfer me to your supervisor right now.”

(She grumbles and mutters, but transfers me. The supervisor apologizes for his employee’s rudeness, and promises to write her up for disrespecting me. I donate to them anyway.)

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Been There, Printed That

, | Working | June 22, 2013

Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m calling to see if you’d be interested in subscribing to [newspaper].”

Me: “No, sorry, I’m really not.”

Telemarketer: “May I ask why?”

Me: “I work for the newspaper. I read the whole thing before it’s published!”

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You Shall Not, Never Have, And Will Never Pass

| Working | June 10, 2013

(I’ve been receiving calls from telemarketers for about a week. I finally get fed up.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, ma’am, I’m calling from telecom to tell you you can save 40% on your next bill.”

Me: “Oh fantastic! Tell me more!”

Telemarketer: “Who pays the bills? Is it you or another person?”

Me: “Me? No. We have our own time travelling wizard.”

Telemarketer: “Can I talk to the wizard?”

Me: “Unfortunately he’s gone on another adventure and won’t be back until last year. I’ll have him call you, as he already knows your name and number.”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

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