It’s The Music That We Choose

| Working | November 22, 2014

(For days, I have been getting calls from telemarketers. No matter how many times I say that I’m not interested, they keep calling. Even my mother can’t stop them. So, I get an idea. Whenever they call, I will mess with them by playing YouTube videos. Call one:)

Telemarketer: “Hello. Would you like to purch—”

(I then begin playing the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song.)

Telemarketer: “Um… hello?”

(The video keeps going, so the telemarketer hangs up. Call two:)

Telemarketer: “Hello. Wou—”

(I then start the music video ‘Bird is The Word,’ sung by Peter Griffin. Once again, they hang up. Call three:)

Telemarketer: “Hello. Would you—”

(I then play the music video ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ by Rick Astley. I could hear them swear as they hang up. Call four:)

Telemarketer: “Hello. Wo—”

(Getting tired of this, I released the big one and used the screamer sound effect in the Scary Maze Game. After the scream finished, I held the phone to my ear and began talking to them.)

Me: “Can you still hear me?”

Telemarketer: “Y… yes…”

Me: “I’m tired of your crap. From now on, whenever you call me, this will be the sound you first hear. I will say this for the last time! I am NOT interested in anything you have to offer! Good bye.”

(They stopped calling after that.)

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Credit Him With Chauvinism

| Working | November 14, 2014

(I receive a robo-call about reducing my credit interest rate and ask to speak to a human. Upon answering the transaction goes as follows.)

Me: “Hello, please remove me from your call list since I own no credit cards.”

Him: “Well, what about your husband?”

Me: “I have no husband.”

Him: “Well, what about a boyfriend?”

Me: “No, not one of those either.”

Him: “What size are your boobs, honey?”

(I am speechless for 10 seconds before I hang up. I would have complained but it was a private number and obviously at a call center overseas.)

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Death Of A Sales Pitch, Part 4

, | Working | November 6, 2014

(It is the fall of 2006 and I receive a telemarketing call.)

Agent: “I’m calling to inform you that you qualify for a $15,000.00 life insurance policy with…”

Me: “I’m a full time student being supported by my parents. Life insurance is worthless to me. I’m already worth more dead than I am alive.”

Agent: “But, sir! It’s free until June of 2007!”

Me: “Well, I plan to be alive in June of 2007, Mr. Optimist!”

Agent: “I know we all want to hope for the best, but…”

Me: *hangs up*


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Putting Her House In Order

| Working | November 5, 2014

(I often got calls from telemarketers at all hours. This was one of my favorite exchanges.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! We’re conducting a survey today. Can I please speak to the male head of household?”

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just me here”

Telemarketer: “And when will the male head of household be home?”

Me: “There isn’t one. It’s just me here.”

Telemarketer: “And you’re the head of household?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 2011. I am the head of my own household. I rented this house on my own, I pay my own bills, and it sounds crazy but I do all the purchasing for anything I need in the house. I also, ya know, have a job.”

Telemarketer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it. I just want to speak to the male head of household!”

Me: “AGAIN, I am the head of my own household so unless you want to speak to me, we’re done here.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, you’re unmarried and alone?”

Me: “Okay, good bye.”

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Just Called To Say We Called

, | Working | October 14, 2014

(My cellphone provider used to call me several times a day to offer their ‘awesome’ services. I got fed up and told them to stop. It took a while and I had to involve the regulatory agency.)

(Phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi! It’s [Telemarketer] from [Provider]…”

Me: “I asked to be let out of your call list.”

Telemarketer: “Yes! We are calling to ask you to get back to our offer service!”

Me: “…?”

Telemarketer: “You’ll never miss an amazing offer ever again!”

Me: “…am I supposed to be laughing?”

(I’m still trying to get them to stop.)

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