Drive Away The Scammers

| Working | December 8, 2013

(While working at a group home in my community, we receive a scam call. Our manager has given permission for us to prank any scam calls or telemarketers.)

Caller: “Yes, hi. I am calling from windows technical support. We’ve been monitoring your computer and several windows have viruses.”

(I used to work in a call center for a car-sharing company. I decide to go by my old script.)

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Company] today. May I have your name and membership number please?”

Caller: “No, ma’am. You misunderstand. We are not [Car-Sharing Company]. We are technical support.”

Me: “Thank you. Yes, could you repeat that number?”

Caller: “Ma’am, we are from technical support.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! Yes, the parking brakes on a Prius can indeed be hard to find.”

Caller: “No, ma’am, nothing is wrong with your car. We are not the car company. We are technical support.”

(I speed rapidly through a full troubleshoot scenario for finding a Prius’ parking brake and disengaging it. The poor scammer kept trying to convince me he wasn’t the car company. They ended up ending the call first!)

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Needs Contraception Compensation Concentration

| Working | December 3, 2013

(I receive a call from someone telling me I’m eligible for compensation. He asks if I’m on any birth control, and I politely say I’m not, but I hope he has a nice day. I’m about to hang up, but he continues.)

Caller: “But you have recently had surgery for a bladder mesh, correct?”

Me: “No, sorry. I’ve never had surgery, in fact. I’m sure nothing has happened that would qualify me for any compensation. Thanks anyway, have a nice—”

Caller: “I don’t think you understand! I am offering you money, okay? Are you on birth control?”

Me: “I don’t need any money, and I’m not on birth control. I’m very healthy. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I. AM. OFFERING. YOU. MONEY. Do you understand? Money!”

Me: “I understand, but no one’s done anything wrong and I don’t need compensation! Thanks any—”

Caller: “Stupid American! YOU QUALIFY FOR COMPENSATION!” *hangs up*

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Getting The Caller Into A Lot Of Hot Water

| Working | November 25, 2013

(My father has a lot of telemarketers calling for my step-mother after they divorce because she had run up some credit cards. The calls are ridiculous. Even after telling them repeatedly she no longer lives with us, they keep calling. Apparently I sound like a child on the phone, so I come up with a new way to get rid of them.)

Me: *answering phone* “Hello?”

(The telemarketer pauses before speaking in a baby voice.)

Telemarketer: “Hi there, sweetie. Is your mommy there? This is an important call.”

(I grin evilly, and make my voice even more childish.)

Me: “She’s in the shower.”

Telemarketer: “Is your daddy around then?”

Me: “No, he’s in the shower, too. They are making funny noises. Do you want me to go get them?”

Telemarketer: *frantic and yelling* “NO! NO! DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM!”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Telemarketer: “NO! For the love of God, don’t go in the bathroom! I’ll call back later! DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM!”

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It Worked To His Credit

| Working | November 11, 2013

(One of my best friends has been having trouble with telemarketers calling his cell phone for almost a year now. No matter how many times he tells them that he’s not interested or that he’s on the national ‘Do Not Call’ registry, they keep calling back. One day the two of us are at a bar, and he gets a call from an unknown number.)

Friend: “Oh no, not another one.”

Me: “Hand me your phone. I’ll take care of it.”

(He hands me his phone, which I then answer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak with a Mr. [Name]?”

Me: “You’re talking to him.”

Telemarketer: “Hi, I’m with [Resort Chain]. I’m calling to give you information about—”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m 16, single, and don’t have a credit card.”

Telemarketer: “Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(My friend stares at me dumbfounded as I hand him his phone back.)

Friend: “Why did you say all of that?”

Me: “I used to work for a call center. Being unqualified takes you off the list faster than the national registry does.”

(It’s been three years, and he hasn’t had a call since.)

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

| Working | October 14, 2013

Telemarketer: “Hello there, I am calling to see if you would like a free consultation on home alarms.”

Me: “No thanks.”

Telemarketer: “Are you sure? What happens if a robber breaks into your house?”

Me: “I will deal with that situation if and when it happens.”

Telemarketer: “Are you sure? I would get an alarm if I were you. A robber broke into my house last month and stole my dog!”

Me: “What kind of dog was it?”

Telemarketer: “…what?”

Me: “The robber stole your dog, right? What kind of dog was it?”

Telemarketer: “Oh, it was a pug!”

Me: “What was its name?”

Telemarketer: “…what?”

Me: “What. Was. Its. Name?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “I know you are reading off a script, so let me give you advice: if you are going to lie, come up with something believable and be ready to back your story up!”

Telemarketer: “Hey, wow thanks! So… can I sign you up for a consultation to defend your house from a robber who might steal your dog?”

Me: *click*

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