(My mom tells me this story about a telemarketer call she received the other day:)

Mom: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, can I speak to the man of the house?”

Mom: “Nothing like that here!”

Telemarketer: “Is there a male over the age of 18 in the household?”

Mom: “Nothing like that here!”

Telemarketer: “Oh, well is there a female over the age of 18?”

Mom: “Nope, nothing like that here!”

Telemarketer: “Oh, really?”

Mom: “Yep!” *hangs up phone*

(I’m at work one afternoon when my cellphone rings. Even though I don’t know the number, since the number comes up as a non-800 US number, I answer it.)

Caller: *with the most disinterested tone I have ever heard* “Hello. I am calling you on behalf of the CDC to conduct a survey about childhood immunizations. Your number has been randomly selected using random dialing. I assure you this is not a sales call and any information you provide us will be kept totally confidential. This survey should only take 15 minutes. Before we begin, I want to ensure that you are not driving or doing anything else dangerous, and need to verify that you are over 17 years of age.”

Me: “I am over 17, and I’m happy to answer your survey, but I’m at work right now. Can you call me back tomorrow evening after 6 pm?”

Caller: “Ah, work, the famous excuse. When can we reach you at a better time?”

Me: “Um, it wasn’t an excuse, I’m actually at work right now and I don’t think my boss would be very happy if I spent 15 minutes answering a survey on his dime. As I said, if you can call me back tomorrow after 6 pm, I’ll gladly take your survey.”

Caller: “Are you sure you can’t take just 15 minutes of your time to answer the survey now?”

Me: “Lady, I did research surveys for two years as a second job when I was first starting my career. I know you can punch right into your computer that I am responsive and requested a call back tomorrow – or, frankly, any weeknight besides tonight – after 6 pm. At that time, I’m happy to answer your survey. Vaccines are important. I’d be glad to support your research goals, after 6 pm tomorrow.”

Caller: “You don’t have to be so snippy about it. I’ll note that you declined to take the survey.”

Me: “No, I didn’t decline. What is the name of your research company?”

Caller: “I can’t tell you that.”

Me: “You can and are legally required to because I asked. Remember, I did exactly what you’re doing for a couple of years. What is the name of your research company?”

Caller: “Due to your aggressive tone, I am forced to end this…”

(Before she can finish, another voice comes on the line.)

Supervisor: “I’m so sorry for your experience with this call. Your response is not mandatory. We will take you off our calling list.”

Me: “I’m not refusing to respond. If you’ve been listening, I just requested a call back after 6 pm tomorrow or any other weeknight this week. I’m just busy right now and tonight.”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I picked the call up partway through because the surveyor keyed that you were aggressive. So… if we call you back after 6 pm tomorrow you’ll answer the survey?”

Me: “Absolutely. I told her that upfront. Go back and listen to the tape. Is she still on the line?”

Supervisor: “No, I cut her off.”

Me: “Okay, and fire her. As I told her, I did surveys for a couple of years. I know people can request a call back at a more convenient time, but she tried to persist that I take the survey right now. I was pretty gracious about it, too, just saying ‘after 6 pm any night but tonight.’ If she can’t handle that, she has no business in that line of work.”

Supervisor: “That is not what we expect from our survey callers. I will review the tape. Can I call you back myself and administer this survey tomorrow at 6:30 pm?”

Me: “Of course, if you’ll tell me just one thing… What is the name of your research company?”

Supervisor: “[Survey Company]. Please don’t badmouth us online because of this experience.”

Me: “I won’t just yet, particularly because you did a good job of recovery. But select your staff a little more carefully, okay?”

Supervisor: “Noted fully. Again, I’m sorry, and we’ll talk tomorrow at 6:30.”

(I took the survey the next night at 6:30 on the nose. After the survey, we spent a little time chatting about some of the terrible experiences we’ve both had in survey research, from abusive respondents to sexual harassment when the survey required some slightly personal information (I once had to do a follow-up survey for a product test for men’s underwear… I could HEAR her wincing when I said that, and she, unprompted, said “I don’t know; how is the fit of YOUR crotch?”) to technology foibles and everything else.)

(Although our original family name was bastardized when my great grandparents came to America from Germany, the Americanized version is quite phonetic by English grammar standards. Despite this, people, especially telemarketers, get our name wrong (for example, saying “Smeeth” or “Smyeth” when the name is “Smith”). I’ve long since grown tired of correcting telemarketers’ pronunciation, and usually will say, “There’s no one here by that name” and they just put our number on the do not call list. I got one, however, that was quite tenacious.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, is Mr. [Incorrect pronunciation] available?”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s no one here by that name.”

Telemarketer: “Have a good day.”

(About ten minutes later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Is Mr. [Different but still incorrect pronunciation] available?”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s no one here by that name.”

Telemarketer: “Oh… okay.”

(He hangs up without another word, and I shrug it off until another ten minutes later when the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Is Mr. [Yet another incorrect pronunciation] available?”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s no one here by that name.”

Telemarketer: “Now, listen here, you little b****!”

(I’m so stunned by the quick change from monotonous to vicious tone that I keep quiet.)

Telemarketer: “I know there’s some f***** there named [Yet another incorrect pronunciation] and I’m going to keep calling until I talk to him!”

Me: “There’s no one here by that name. Or by [First, second, and third incorrect pronunciations]. Are you sure you have the right number?”

Telemarketer: *patronizingly* “Yes, I’m sure I have the right number! It says right f****** here: [Dad’s first name] [Fifth incorrect pronunciation]. So you better get your little w**** a** moving and get that a****** on the phone, RIGHT NOW!”

(I’m impressed he’s come up with so many different pronunciations of our name, so I decide to have one last bit of fun with him.)

Me: “Oh! Do you mean [Dad’s first name] [Correct pronunciation of our name]?”

Telemarketer: “Sure, why the f*** not?! Yes, that’s who I’m looking for.”

Me: “Sorry, he’s dead.”

(I hung up as the telemarketer starts screaming at me. Fortunately, he didn’t call back. When my very much alive father came home from work, I told him what happened. He just laughed.)

Related:
Failed The Name Game, Part 6
Failed The Name Game, Part 5
Failed The Name Game, Part 4
Failed The Name Game, Part 3
Failed The Name Game, Part 2

(Our home phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Do you accept VISA or MasterCard at your location?”

Me: “Umm… This is a house. But if you want to give me your credit card number…”

Caller: “You have a business named [Free Tire Repair Service] at this number.”

(The caller is correct; I used to have a “business” in which I fixed flat tires for kids in my neighborhood at no charge.)

Me: *snidely, having realized that this is a sales pitch* “Notice the ‘free’ part? We don’t take credit cards.”

Caller: *picking up on my snide tone* “You work for free? What are you, a moron?” *click*

(I work in the office of a small non-profit. We have had a number of “toner pirates” (people who try to scam you into buying their overpriced toner you already get as part of your contract with the photocopier manufacturer) call the office lately. This call happens after I’ve already dealt with several of these scams.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Oh, hi, I was hoping to speak to the person in charge of ordering toner?”

Me: *immediately suspicious* “That would be me.”

Caller: “Well, if you can just give me the make and model of your photocopier, I have some great sales on toner to offer you.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

Caller: “You really can’t pass this up. I just need to know your model number so…”

Me: “I’m sorry, where did you say you were calling from again?”

Caller: “Uhh…” *mumbles something* “You really need to—”

Me: *cuts him off* “I’m sorry, we only deal with [Manufacturer]. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone, but 30 seconds later it rings again.)

Me: “Thanks for calling—”

Caller: *interrupting* “How DARE you hang up on me! That was extremely rude and I demand to speak to your supervisor, you stupid idiot!”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “You heard me, you stupid idiot. I need to speak to your supervisor!”

Me: “You’re calling me a stupid idiot? I think we’re done here.” *hangs up*

(My “supervisor” and I had a good laugh about how I could have possibly turned down an opportunity to do business with a scammer who called me a stupid idiot!)