You Shall Not, Never Have, And Will Never Pass

| Working | June 10, 2013

(I’ve been receiving calls from telemarketers for about a week. I finally get fed up.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, ma’am, I’m calling from telecom to tell you you can save 40% on your next bill.”

Me: “Oh fantastic! Tell me more!”

Telemarketer: “Who pays the bills? Is it you or another person?”

Me: “Me? No. We have our own time travelling wizard.”

Telemarketer: “Can I talk to the wizard?”

Me: “Unfortunately he’s gone on another adventure and won’t be back until last year. I’ll have him call you, as he already knows your name and number.”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

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Hung Up On A Hang up

| Working | May 28, 2013

(I’m 16 years old and at home when I get a phone call; my mom isn’t home from work yet.)

Caller: “Hello, this is [name] from [company]. Is a Mrs. [mother’s name] home?”

Me: “Sorry, she’s not in at the moment.”

Caller: “Can you tell me when she’ll be back?”

Me: “I don’t know, sorry. I’ll take a message if you want. What was your name?”

Caller: “It doesn’t matter; just tell me when she’ll be back.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know. Just call back in two hours or so. Bye.”

(I promptly hang up; although slightly rude, telemarketers usually don’t bother calling again. A minute later, the phone rings again from the same caller.)

Caller: “Excuse me! What the f*** do you think you’re doing?! Your mother specifically wanted me to call her today! Why the f*** did you hang up!”

Me: “Well you didn’t want to tell me your name or leave a message, so how would I have known what you wanted?”

Caller: “F*** you! Who the f*** do you think you are?! Your mother has been waiting for this very important call!”

Me: “Well, I told you to call back in roughly two hours if it’s that important. Goodbye.”

(I hang up again, and don’t expect anything more, but sure enough, the phone rings again a minute later.)

Caller: “I’ve had enough of your s*** you little c***! I should come round to your house and f***ing slap you silly!”

Me: “Stop using that language. This call is recorded right? Can I speak to your supervisor?”

Caller: “Well clearly you f***ing can’t! F*** you!” *hangs up*

(I stopped short of calling the police, though the guy could easily have known my address from our phone number because we aren’t unlisted. Not surprisingly, when I asked my mother she’d never heard of the guy!)

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The Only Ink They’ll Be Seeing Is Red

| Working | May 13, 2013

(Our failing local newspaper, desperate to sell more subscriptions, has resorted to telemarketing. Despite being on the Do Not Call list, we get calls from them every day for a month. I finally pick up the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name]. Can I interest you in a subscription to [newspaper]?”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Telemarketer: “Why not? Is it too expensive? We also offer Sunday/Wednesday-only subscriptions.”

Me: “There are hundreds of free news sources online now. I get all of my news online. I just don’t need it; I’m sorry.”

Telemarketer: “But ink cartridges are expensive. Doesn’t it cost a lot more to print all your own news?”

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Some Scammers Can’t Reach Escape Velocity Fast Enough

| Working | May 7, 2013

Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m calling in regards to your [satellite TV company].”

Me: “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “Yes, [satellite TV company] will be moving some satellites and you will need additional equipment to continue your service.”

Me: “Uh, moving satellites?”

Telemarketer: “Yes, and we’re calling to—”

Me: “HOW exactly are you planning on doing this? There isn’t any reaction mass to shift geosync orbits of the satellites that much, and if there were, I’d just have to repoint.”

Telemarketer: “We’re doing this because we need additional—”

Me: “No, that is WHY. I asked specifically HOW.”

Telemarketer: “Uh.”

Me: “You say you’re with [satellite TV company]. If this is the case, what is my account number?

Telemarketer: “[My phone number], under the name [my wife’s name].”

Me: “No, that’s the phone number you called. If you’re really with [satellite TV company], you’ll have access to my account number. What is it?”

Telemarketer: *click*

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Eeny, Meeny, Miny, No

| Working | April 27, 2013

(I live in Norway and speak Norwegian, but my English proficiency is better. When I get calls from telemarketers, I like to ask them to speak English as it scares most of them away and saves me from needless conversation.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! This is [name] from [TV provider]. May I ask what TV provider you have?

Me: “Yes, we use [competitor]. And could I please ask you to speak English?”

(To my surprise, he is not taken aback at all.)

Telemarketer: “Yes! I looooooooooooooooove speaking English! I love talking to new people and having new experiences!”

Me: “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “May I ask how much you pay per month?”

Me: “My husband was the one who closed the deal with them so I don’t know the exact number, but it’s something in the 200 Norwegian Kroner area.”

Telemarketer: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “No, I’m quite positive I’m right.”

Telemarketer: “What kind of package do you have?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t watch much TV, so we only have the few public channels, plus five more channels.”

Telemarketer: “But that’s insane! You pay so much per channel! Our package is MUCH cheaper than that!”

Me: “You can look at it that way, but we only ever want to watch these channels. There is no point for us to pay more and get more channels, if we’re not going to watch them. There is no package which is overall cheaper than what we pay.”

Telemarketer: “But with our package, you can pay 350 Norwegian Kroner and get 30 channels! You would have three sports channels and a selection of children TV!”

Me: “350 Kroner is around 150 Kroner more than we pay for channels we will not watch. My husband buys sports content online when there’s something he wants to watch, and we have no kids at the moment.”

Telemarketer: “But you will get so many more channels!”

Me: “We don’t need them.”

Telemarketer: “But you’ll be able to go, ‘EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!'”

Me: “…”

Telemarketer: “So… no?”

Me: “No.”

Telemarketer: “Yeah… I didn’t think so.” *click*

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