(For a couple of summers, I worked for an older woman who ran her own landscaping business, mostly planting flowers and organizing things that the men on the crew could not be counted on to put away properly. As a fairly tech-savvy college student I offered minor tech support even after I found a more year-round job. On this occasion, I answer a slightly hysterical phone call regarding important emails.)

Boss: “[My Name], oh, you’ve got to help me. I had this really important email from [Client] but now I can’t find it!”

Me: “Are you sure you’re checking the right email? Or the right inbox?”

Boss: “It’s my work Gmail and it’s so important. It has all the details of what I need to do and I flagged it but now I can’t find it!”

Me: “I could come over, if you need—”

Boss: “No, no. I must be getting senile. I mean it was RIGHT HERE and I flagged it so I could find it again but now—”

Me: “Wait, you FLAGGED it? Check your spam folder.”

Boss: *half an octave higher* “My SPAM FOLDER! Why would it be there?!”

Me: “Flagging it isn’t a good thing. You told your email that you didn’t want to see that message, and probably every message from [Client]. It’s a warning. Like “red flags,” you know?”

Boss: *skeptical* “No, I don’t know. Where did it go?”

Me: “Please, check your spam folder.”

(She checked it and, lo and behold, there was all the important messages from Client that she’d been going crazy looking for, among other business emails. She definitely knows what she’s talking about when it comes to planting and designing gardens, but put her in front of a computer…)

(I work for an IT company that provides support for a large restaurant chain and their franchises. I receive a call from one franchise that recently had their office PC replaced. These franchises have to provide their own software and licences for installation that we help with as part of the service.)

Me: “Welcome to the [Company] support desk. You are speaking to [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “This is [Customer] from [Franchise]. I just went to [Computer Retailer] and bought Microsoft Office but it won’t install.”

Me: “No worries. I will remote in and see what is happening with the install.”

(I remote in and find the software installed fine but the license code will not activate the software.)

Me: “Can you confirm the license key is the same as it is on the software package?”

Customer: “Yes. I bought it from [Computer Retailer] but it’s not working. I tried each of the license codes but it’s still not working.”

Me: “Wait, you said there are several license codes? Can you send me a scanned image of the package so I can find what might be the problem?”

(I provided the user with an e-mail address to send the scanned image to and after half an hour the pictures came in. The customer had bought a CD sleeve with a blank disc with “Office” written on it and a piece of paper showing the front and back cover. The paper showed he bought “Micrasift Oofice 2012 Profecinal eddition”, which included a list of authentic-looking license keys.)

(I work in an inbound call center that works as a hardware help desk for veterinary clinics who purchase our products. On a relatively slow day for us, I get the following phone call.)

Me: “Hardware Support. My name is [My Name]. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “Yes, I am having trouble with our label printer.”

Me: “I can help you with that. On which computer are you having problems with this printer?”

Customer: “Several of them.”

Me: “Okay, I can check on the server for you to make sure it is shared correctly, but I also need to be remoted in to check on the ones you are having problems with.”

(At this point I give the customer a session code to put into the server so I can remote in and check settings.)

Customer: “Thanks, I will put that into the computer. Have a great day.” *hangs up*

(I am slightly confused as we need the customer on the line to troubleshoot any printer problems as when we print pages we don’t actually know if it prints. So I call her back.)

Customer: “[Clinic], how can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, you called in about needing help with your label printer; I need someone on the line to troubleshoot the issues with me.”

Customer: “Well, we are really busy here. Can’t you just do it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not sure what the problem is and I can’t just guess. If you are having problems printing I can check the settings on the computers you are having problems with, but if I print anything, I won’t know if it worked.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what computers are having the problem, so you will just have to figure it out.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have the ability to do that unless I get remoted into the computers with the problem.”

Customer: “I have 30 computers and I just don’t have the time to walk around and find out which ones have the problems and which ones don’t. I have 20+ customers standing in line waiting to be checked in for the weekend. You just need to fix it.”

(Unsure how to proceed, I explain the issue to one of my colleagues. He suggests to explain to the customer exactly what she is asking me to do and what steps would have to be taken for me to complete the troubleshooting.)

Me: “Ma’am, for me to do what you are asking I would have to remote into every computer, kick off the person currently working and check the settings, print a test label, then call you back to see if one printed. I would have to do this 30 times and interrupt your work each time.”

Customer: “There has to be another way. Just fix it.”

Me: “There is another way. If someone could find out for me what computers are not able to print, I would only have to access those computers and speak with that one employee.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to have one of my employees do your job. Forget it. I don’t know why we pay for you to fix things when we are the ones who have to fix them.” *she hangs up*

(I sat for a moment and a colleague walked up to me and explained that every time she called in, if she needed to help or it took longer than five minutes, she hung up on us. We have since stopped supporting her clinic.)

(I’m working the night shift on a Friday, around 3 am.)

Me: “[ISP]. This is [My Name] at your service.”

Customer: “My Internet isn’t working, and I know why! It’s because of [unintelligible].”

(I thought I’d heard something about spies, but I wasn’t sure, so I just kept going.)

Me: “I see. Let’s figure out what the problem is, so we can find a solution.”

Customer: “But I know what the problem is! I’m being spied on! It’s the spies! They’re ruining my Internet.”

Me: *sticking to the protocol that exists exactly for that purpose* “Well, if you’re sure someone is spying on you, you have to contact the police.”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t need to call the police. I’m not that paranoid. Anyway, they’re spying on me, too, so they probably know all about it.”

(I work for a pharmaceutical company in the IT department. We have a wide range of users, some good with tech, others not so much. Our job it to support things only related to our company. A coworker who swears she knows it all says:)

Coworker: “Hey, I have a user who’s trying to install Skype on their personal laptop.”

Me: “Okay, so what’s the problem?”

Coworker: “Well, they cannot get the app to install…”

Me: “Well, we really don’t support that.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “One: it’s not a company computer, and two: it’s an app we didn’t make or support.”

Coworker: “But I need to help them!”

Me: “You’re wasting your time!”

Coworker: “Can you just tell me how to do this? I’ve been on the phone with them for a half hour trying to get it installed.”

Me: “We don’t support it, though. Why would you want to keep helping if you don’t have to?”

Coworker: “I really think you’re being an a**-hole about this.”

Me: “I’m the a**-hole for not helping you perform troubleshooting on a program and computer we don’t support? Gotcha. Please rewind our convo and find some gold in it.”

Coworker: “Wait until I mention this to the TL tomorrow.”

Me: “I’ll text them and tell them for you.”

Coworker: “Fine. They will make you help.”

Me: “We shall see.”

(I take out my phone and text my team lead to let her know that my coworker has been on the phone with someone for an hour trying to support something that we don’t support. Five minutes later…)

Coworker: “Yeah TL called and told me that you were right. Still, you should’ve helped me.”

Me: “Do I have to call again?”