Me: “Joe?”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Hey, Joe!”

Fiancé: *nothing*

Me: “Joseph!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Dumba**!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: *yelling at ear-splitting volume* “I will slap your mother with a fish, murder your puppy, and leave you in the forest to die with Cujo and the Littlest Hobo!”

Fiancé: *still no response*

Me: *muttering as I walk away* “…a**hole.”

Fiancé: “Did you just say something?”

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(My mom comes in from the back porch where she and my dad are relaxing after dinner. He comes in shortly after her.)

Mom: “I can’t believe your father. Just cannot believe him!”

Me: “Why? What’d you do, Dad?”

Dad: “I just told her that she’s the love of my life!”

Mom: “Yeah, that’s not ALL you said. Tell her why I’m the love of your life.”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s really appro–”

Mom: “Tell her!”

Dad: “…because she’s the only woman I had a chance at.”

(I’m sitting outside, relaxing in the sun with my youngest daughter, when my sweet husband comes out the front door to talk to me. He looks down at us and pauses before going back inside.)

Husband: “You know honey, the way you’re sitting there with the sun shining on your hair, I just realized…”

(I smile at him affectionately, anticipating the compliment he is about to pay me.)

Husband: “You’re getting really gray-headed, old woman!”

(My boyfriend and I have only been dating a week or so, and have only known each other a few days longer. I am a blonde, albeit a very dark blonde.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I’ve been thinking about this tall, gorgeous, brunette woman all day.”

Me: “Oh, really? And who would that be?”

(He’s never gotten my hair color wrong again.)

Boyfriend: “Why didn’t you do the washing up and hoovering while I was out?”

Me: “It’s your turn to wash-up. I did hoover, but it’s hard to get all the hair from your dog up.”

Boyfriend: “That’s no excuse! I expect the house to be spotless when I come home! Spotless!”

(Our friends turned up later to find the front door open and my boyfriend handcuffed to the sink. From what I hear, he was very upset. Not surprisingly, we are no longer together.)