(A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or BlueTooth headset in sight.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

Me: “I have more than one Emily in the system… do you know her last name or the groom’s name?”

Customer: “More than one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

(The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

(Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

(I have a flat-screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”

(A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

Me: “Right this way…”

Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

Me: “…”

(A customer is buying a file cabinet. As I’m taking it out for her, the cabinet falls off of the hand truck and the lock gets pushed in.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The damage isn’t bad. Would you like us to fix it for you?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this undamaged!”

Me: “Of course, we could put together a new one for you.”

Customer: “I wanted this one.”

Me: “So shall I take it back and have it repaired?”

Customer: “I wanted it the way it was!”

Me: “I understand that, but the damage has been done. If you like, we can refund your money.”

Customer: “I don’t want a refund. ”

Me: “Okay… what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this like it was.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Okay, so what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this cabinet like it was! Undamaged!”

Me: “Well, once you decide what you want to do, you let me know.”

(I took the cabinet into the back room and stayed there. I never did find out what she did.)

(I fix registers and self-checkout equipment at said store. I wear a badge, it states which company I work for and has a picture of me on it. It looks nothing like the name badges the store uses but everyone asks me if I work there or if I can help them. I always answer politely that I don’t and point them in the direction of someone who does. But this time…)

Me: *walking to back of store to fiddle with a printer that was acting up*

Lady: “Can you help us with picking a TV?”

Me: *Looks around* “Me?”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Yes you, we need some help here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Lady: “Look, I just want to know about some of the features.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Like I said, I don’t work here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Un-f******-believable… I guess this is what minimum wage pays for these days.”

Me: *snorts and starts to walk away*

Lady: “Well who the f*** is supposed to help us now?”

Me: “Maybe you should try asking someone with [Store Name] written on their name tag, I’m sure they’d be glad to help you out seeing as they WORK here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “This is shoddy customer service! We want to speak to your manager right now!”

Me: *shakes head and walks off*

Lady & Boyfriend: *insert string of obscenities here*

(I saw them 10 minutes later as I was leaving the store, they were complaining to a department manager. I’m sure they were trying to describe me because he had a very confused look on his face. Poor guy.)

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