(I’ve accidentally overdrawn my bank account. The nearest credit union location is currently 60 miles away so I open my mobile banking app to do a picture based deposit of a check I received to cover my overdraft. The mobile deposit feature is missing.)

Credit Union: “Hi, how can we help you?”

Me: “Hi. I am trying to make a deposit but the mobile deposit feature on my phone app seems to be missing.”

Credit Union: “Yes, looking at your account it seems your account is overdrawn by $xx.xx so we disabled certain features in your mobile app.”

Me: “Let me see if I understand this correctly. I owe you money so you disable my ability to give you the money I owe you?”

Credit Union: “It is our standard policy to disable certain features of the mobile app for accounts that are overdrawn.”

Me: “Does this even seem logical to you?”

Credit Union: “It is our standard policy to disable certain features of the mobile app for accounts that are overdrawn.”

Me: *slowly like I’m dealing with a child* “Okaaay. Since I can’t drive the 60 miles to get to the nearest credit union right now can you recommend an alternative way to make a deposit?”

Credit Union: “Sure, I can help with that. Let me have your zip code so I can look up the nearest credit union.”

Me: *face-palming, knowing the answer coming up next* “Sure it’s [zip code].”

Credit Union: “Okay, it looks like the nearest credit union for [Different Brand Chain] is 60 miles away, or the nearest branch of our chain is 360 miles away.”

Me: “Yes, I know. As I said already I can’t drive that distance right now. Do you have another suggestion for making a deposit? Perhaps I could mail it to you?”

Credit Union: “Yes, you can mail a deposit to us at [Address].”

Me: “I would just like to recap this conversation… So, I owe you money and you disable my ability to give you money right away, and instead I’m forced to mail the check to you via the post office so that it takes many more days to get the money I owe you. And this is your preferred method of business?”

Credit Union: “It is our standard policy to disable certain features of the mobile app for accounts that are overdrawn.”

Me: *click*

(My grandmother has recently died, leaving me as the executor of her estate. I see that she had a small investment account with [Small East Coast Bank]. When I call the number on the statement, I discover that this bank had been recently acquired by [Big Bank]. I go to my local branch of [Big Bank] to ask how I can prove her death so as to get the account delivered to whomever is the named beneficiary. I approach the teller.)

Me: “Hello, I need to report the death of an investment account holder so you can close the account.”

Teller: “Oh, I’ve never had to do that before. Why don’t you talk to [Banker] over there? She can probably help you.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.”

(I approach Banker’s desk.)

Me: “Hello, I need to report the death of an investment account holder so you can close the account. In case it matters, the account was originally with [Small East Coast Bank] but their phone numbers all tell me to talk to you guys.”

Banker: “Oh, I’ve never had to do that before. Let me go get my manager to ask what our policy is.”

Me: “Okay.”

(She goes to the back, leaves me sitting for 15 minutes, and comes back with Manager.)

Manager: *to me* “I’m sorry. We won’t be able to help you.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Is there a phone number I can call to get this information?”

Manager: “No, we can’t help you.”

Me: “Uh… why not?”

Manager: “We can’t release this information.”

Me: “No, I think you misunderstand. I’m here to report the death of my grandmother. I’m not asking for personal information about her account or access to her money. And if you can only release the information to customers, it might help to know that I’m also a customer with a sizable account here in my own name. All I want is to know what your policy is on how I am to prove that [Grandma] has died so that you can deliver the funds to the beneficiary named on the account, whose name I neither have nor want nor care about. I have papers with me right here that can prove that I am the executor of her estate. I also have her account number, name, and a death certificate. I even have the username and password for her online banking. But all the website says about the death of an account holder is to contact the bank itself, so that’s why I’m here.”

Manager: “Yes, I understand that. But we still can’t release that information.”

Me: “…So, just to make sure, you’re telling me that your policy regarding the death of an account holder is that you’re not allowed to tell customers or even executors what your policy is regarding the death of account holders?”

Manager: “That’s right.”

(I still have no idea if they were just being lazy or if they didn’t know what the real policy was or if Bank’s policy is actually that they can’t tell anyone what the real policy is. I wound up having the estate lawyer write a letter to their corporate office, whereupon the response let us know what we had to do in order to prove the death.)

(I’ve just arrived for my shift and need a second person to go to the back with me so I can get my money, as I don’t have a key.)

Me: “I need someone with a door key, please!”

Coworker #1: “I don’t have a door key. Ask [Coworker #2].”

Coworker #2: “What?”

Me: “Do you have a door key? I need my money.”

Coworker #2: “I do have a door key!”

Teller Supervisor: *from another room* “STOP CALLING PEOPLE ‘DORKY’! THAT’S NOT NICE!”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to deposit these checks.”

(I take the checks and deposit slip, but the account number isn’t coming up, and her name isn’t, either.)

Me: “I’m having trouble finding you in our system. Can you give me your social, and I can look for you that way?”

Customer: “This always happens with you! Why does this happen with only you?! I don’t know how you got this job. My social is [number].”

Me: “I found you, ma’am, but it looks like your name is hyphenated in our system, which you did not indicate on the deposit slip, and the account number you provided is incorrect. I suppose that’s why it never works when you come to me. All of the information you gave me was incorrect.”

(The customer left red-faced. Since then, she’s gone to great lengths to be polite to me.)

(This was back before I started doing most of my banking online and was in the bank regularly to take care of my account. While I understand the tellers have to ask me about a savings account, I got a little tired of how pushy they always got after I would tell them I wasn’t interested.)

Teller: “I see you don’t have a savings account. Would you like to open one?”

Me: “Do me a favor. Look at how much I owe on my credit card, then look at how much I have in my account.”

Teller: “Okay?” *does as I ask, then looks visibly embarrassed*

Me: “I’m not interested in a savings account.”

Teller: “Okay, then, have a nice day!”