Not The Best Way To Staph-e Off Infection

(I have recently developed a very bad reaction to poison ivy. My mother takes me to the doctor to verify that this is definitely what the rash is.)

Nurse: “Alright, let me see what you’ve got there.”

Me: *hold out my arm*

Nurse: “Wow, I’ve never seen a reaction this bad!”

Mom: *points* “You touched one.”

(My nurse looks horrified and all but runs from the room. My regular doctor enters a while later.)

Doctor: “I was told you had a really bad rash. Let me take a look…”

(After examining my rash, she proceeds to call in another doctor, and then to take multiple pictures of the rash because she’s never seen one quite so bad. She then declares that she’ll have to pop one to get it tested for staph.)

Me: “Isn’t staph deadly?”

(My doctor immediately turns pale, as though she didn’t expect me to know this.)

Doctor: “Oh, well… there’s a 99% chance that it isn’t staph.”

Me: “But what if it is?”

Doctor: “It probably isn’t. Let me see your arm now…”

(She proceeds to take my arm and jab a needle into part of the rash while I look away, nauseated. The doctor apparently feels bad for herself for having to even look at the rash, because she comes out with this.)

Doctor: “Wow, aren’t you glad you aren’t me right now?”

Me: “I’m a little sorry that I’m ME right now!”

(It wasn’t staph, but I’ve won the family award for the worst doctor’s visit and worst allergic reaction!)