Love Needs No Universal Translator

(My boyfriend and I texting one another from our respective homes. A previous conversation where we chose names for our kids resulted in the choices of ‘Homohawk’, ‘Geoff The God of Biscuits’, and ‘Simon’. ‘Simon’ will be taught to speak in the third person.)

Boyfriend: “There’s a new guy on Big Bang Theory with a lisp, and I don’t know who he is.”

Me: “Is it a lisp or does he say ‘w’ instead of ‘r’? It’s Kripke if that’s the case. If it’s a lisp, I have no idea and need to see this now!”

Boyfriend: “It’s Kripke; I just figured it out. I was worried they replaced Leonard… phew!”

Me: “They can’t replace Leonard. Nimoy would refuse to appear ever again!”

Boyfriend: “And you don’t want to piss off Spock! Angry Vulcans can be scary.”

Me: “Angering Vulcans would be… illogical. I need help!”

Boyfriend: “Why? That was great!”

Me: “If I’m like this now, how nerdy will I be if I get PhD funding? I won’t be able to communicate with a normal ever again!”

Boyfriend: “You’re right. Oh, God. I’m really sorry but you’re going to have to learn Klingon. I love you!”

Me: “Well, I’ve always wanted to raise my kids bilingually. Klingon and Elvish would be as good a way as any to screw up a kid.”

Boyfriend: “Vulcan and Romulan! Just as an idea?”

Me: “How about ‘Homohawk’ gets taught Vulcan and Na’vi. ‘Simon’ gets taught Romulan and Huttese, and ‘The God of Biscuits’ gets Klingon and Elvish? Universal translators make same-Universe bilingualism useless, so until inter-Universal translators are invented I think this would be more logical. It’s official, I’ve put too much thought into this. Also, qamuSHa’.”

Boyfriend: “Stop, just stop it now!”

Me: “It’s too late. I’m looking up the Klingon pronunciation.”