Literally Caught With Your Pants Down

(I’m at the counter when I see a shifty-looking man head down the plush toy aisle. When I follow, I find him stuffing toys into his trousers.)

Me: “Would you like to remove those, sir?”

Man: “Oh… these? I wasn’t stealing them! They’re for a birthday present. I just don’t have any money.”

Me: “You weren’t stealing them, but you don’t have any money, and you’re putting them in your trousers.”

Man: “Uh… yeah.”

Me: “Would you like to remove them, or shall I call security and they can do it for you?”

Man: “I told you, I don’t have them!”

Me: “You didn’t tell me that. You said you did, but you didn’t have the money.”

Man: “Yeah, well, I’ll show you!” *suddenly pulls his trousers down and stands there in his underwear in the middle of the shop*

Me: *hears my supervisor in the next aisle and calls her name*

Supervisor: *enters the aisle* “What do you need – oh. OH. What is going on here?!”

Man: *points at me* “She just told me to strip all my clothes off! She’s a perv!”

Me: “Really, don’t flatter yourself.”

Supervisor: “Okay, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

(The man finally puts the toys back and leaves, but neglects to pull his trousers up and waddles away into the street. A few days later, he returns, but this time dressed all in black and wearing a balaclava – not suspicious at all.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, would you like to remove the balaclava?”

Man: “Who, me? You mean this?”

Me: “Yes, it tends to look a bit suspicious.”

Man: “…fine.” *reluctantly removes it*

Me: “Yep, exactly as I thought. I’d like you to remove yourself from the store, please.”

Man: “…but, wait, that wasn’t me that tried to steal those toys!”

Me: “Oh? So, it wasn’t you, but you know all about it?”

Man: “Yeah, because it was my twin brother! He’s a really bad person.”

Me: “Your twin brother has scars and a tattoo in EXACTLY the same place as yours?”

Man: “All right… All right… I’m going.”

Me: “Try to keep your trousers on this time!”