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Encounters with friends & strangers

Driving Home The Bacon

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(My friend, a mechanic’s daughter, is driving on a cold winter morning with the rear window iced over.)

Friend: “I can’t see out the rear window.”

Me: “Use the rear window defroster.”

Friend: “I don’t have a rear window defroster!”

Me: “Sure you do. It’s this one here.”

Friend: *points to button* “You mean the one with the wavy lines?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “I thought that was a bacon maker, but I was too afraid to ask my dad where the bacon was supposed to go.”

The Hungry Dead

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(We’re having a marathon of seasons of ‘The Walking Dead’ to refresh our minds for the premier. My girlfriend is there, as well as a mutual friend of ours and a friend of mine who has not met my girlfriend before. It’s just passed a particularly gory scene at the end of one of the episodes.)

Girlfriend: “Who’s hungry?”

Me: *laughing “We could order a pizza?”

Mutual Friend: “Sounds good to me!”

Friend: *to my girlfriend* “How can you even THINK about eating after seeing that?”

Girlfriend: “Why are you only asking me that question?”

Friend: “Because you’re the only girl in the room.”

Girlfriend: *smiling* “Oh so you’re just being rude, then?”

Friend: “Well, usually women get grossed out by that.”

Girlfriend: “Do I look grossed out by that?”

Me: *to friend* “Hey, man just relax. And no, don’t assume I’m siding with her cause she’s my girlfriend I’m siding with her because she’s right, you are being rude.”

Girlfriend: *staring at the image on the screen* “Hey does that look like sausage links to you guys?”

Needs To Cruci(Fix) His Sentence

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(I’m at home talking to my friend. We get on the subject of Easter/Good Friday/Passover.)

Me: “Yeah, Good Friday. That’s the day of his circumcision.”

Friend: *choked sound*

Me: “No, wait. That’s not the right word, is it?”

Pregnant Pause And Reflect

, , , | Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My buddy had been thrown out by his heavily pregnant girlfriend over something minor. So, he’s staying at my place and ranting about it.)

Friend: “Then she started to cry over not being ready, and I kept trying to comfort her, but she just wouldn’t listen to me!”

Me: “Dude, she’s eight and a half months pregnant. She’s not gonna listen to anyone. But what happened next?”

Friend: “Then she starts sobbing about being a bad mother and not being mentally ready so I told her then she better get ready.”

Me: “You did what?”

(His eyes slowly widen with horror.)

Friend: “I said what?”

(He looks at me, completely terrified.)

Friend: “I am not a smart man.”

Me: “No you’re not, and you’re lucky she only threw you out.”

True Friends Are Nothing To Fear

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My husband has had the same two best friends since he was ten years old, but they live far away, so we haven’t all gotten to know each other very well yet. Also, I have a terribly embarrassing but legitimately crippling fear of puppets. My husband and I are hanging out with his old friends. As a TV show ends, a well-known comedian who uses dummies in his act comes on screen. I immediately start to run out of the room into the backyard.)

Me: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”

(I reach the backyard and start to calm down, immediately mortified that I had a freak out in front of his friends, not to mention revealed my deepest yet most ridiculous fear. After a few minutes, my husband pokes his head out the back door.)

Husband: “Honey, come back in. The puppets are gone now.”

Me: “I can’t. Too embarrassed.”

Husband: “Honey, please come back inside.”

(I shuffle inside with my head hung low, only to get a hug and a pat on the back from my husband’s two friends.)

Friend #1: “Birds freak me the h*** out. I have nightmares about them.”

Friend #2: “I’m terrified of running water.”

Me: “You won’t tease me? Or tell anyone?”

Friend #1: “Kiddo, we love you. You’re practically family. You’re always safe here.”

Friend #2: “Man, f*** those puppets.”

(On the car ride home, I told my husband I’d marry him all over again for his friends alone!)