Brain Is Currently Offline, Part 2

(I have recently gotten a new wireless internet router and am attempting to connect my computer to it. The computer is resistant in the attempt and I go through the common sense tech support stuff before I finally call my new internet provider.)

Me: “Hi, I’m trying to connect my computer to the internet, but it is not being very cooperative. It is sensing the signal, but will not connect and isn’t even picking it up on the computer that it is hard-lined into it.”

Tech: “I will be able to help you today. Is your computer on?”

(I’m familiar with idiot checks, so I reply cooperatively.)

Me: “Yep.”

Tech: “Is your router on?”

Me: “Yes.”

Tech: “Is it plugged in?”

Me: “Um… yes. Because it’s on.”

Tech: “Is it plugged into the internet? Through the DSL? You check the wire on the back; it looks like a phone wire.”

Me: “I do know what DSL is, and yes, it’s plugged into the DSL.”

Tech: “The problem is with your computer. Do I have your permission to use a back-door to get onto your computer?”

Me: “You can’t.”

Tech: “So, I don’t have permission?”

Me: “Oh, you can try all you like. This isn’t a permission issue. To access my computer remotely, I need to be connected to the internet. I can’t get my computers to connect to the internet.”

Tech: “I cannot help you if you will not let me access your computer.”

Me: “Here, let me try again: you may access my computer. However, you need to use the internet connection to do so. And the internet connection does not exist right now. That’s why I’m calling.”

Tech: “Have you turned it on?”

Me: “Yes, I’ve turned it on, I’ve reset the router, I’ve checked and double-checked all the cords. The router appears to be transmitting, but not connecting. Nothing is connecting.”

Tech: “…And I will help you fix your computer if you will let me access it remotely.”

Me: “You know what? Yes. Remotely access my computer. Via the not-internet. And while your doing that, can you signal your manager? I’ll want to talk to him when we’re done.”

Tech: “Yes, I will call my manager.”

(He calls the manager, but in the meantime he asks questions necessary to remotely access my computer. Most of the answers are a bit disparaging.)

Me: “…No, I cannot give that code because I don’t have one because I’m not connected to the internet.”

Tech: “Ma’am, I think your problem is beyond my skill level. I am going to send you to the next level of techs.”

Me: “Can I talk to your manager first?”

Tech: “Yes, here he is.”

Manager: “Hi, can I help you?”

Me: “I certainly hope so. I have no internet connection. As in there is no internet. I’ve done the idiot-check protocols already. Everything is sufficiently plugged and secured. But internet is not coming into the house.”

Manager: “Okay, let me check something… Ah, the tech who installed your router forgot to call in and tell us to turn on your internet. Hang on…” *the sound of fast typing comes over the phone* “Okay, you should be receiving internet now.”

Me: “Ah, there we go! Connecting… let’s see… beautiful! We have internet! Thank you very much!”

Manager: “No problem.”

Tech: “Are you willing to participate in a customer service survey? It’ll take about five minutes.”

Manager: “…You probably want to skip that, [tech’s name].”

Me: “Bye.” *hangs up*