161 Good Roasts & Funny Comebacks To Win Any Argument

Ever been in an argument and wished you had the perfect comeback? If you want to playfully insult a friend, give a sassy comeback, or stop an unwanted advance, we’ve got your back with this comprehensive list of roasts!

New York’s legendary Friars Club held its first roast of Maurice Chevalier in 1949, where, as the guest of honor, he was subjected to hilarious and risqué jokes at his expense. Subsequent TV roasts on Kraft Music Hall (1968), The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (1974), and Comedy Central Roast (1998) have kept this comedic tradition alive.

Although formal roasts are always done with the consent of the recipient, we believe you should always have a good, funny comeback up your sleeve to win any argument (friendly or otherwise). It never hurts to be prepared, so please feel free to save and make use of this list!

Good Roasts

1. I look at you and think… two billion years of evolution for this?
2. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
3. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
4. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
5. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.
6. If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
7. I like the way you comb your hair. It’s impressive how you’re able to hide the horns.
8. You are proof God has a sense of humor.
9. You haven’t changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
10. It’s really fun watching you try to understand everything that’s being said about you.
11. Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh, either.
12. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

13. Can I have the name of your hair salon? I need to know where not to go.
14. Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.
15. You’re as sharp as a rubber ball.
16. I would describe your personality as a vibrant shade of beige.
17. If you ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.
18. I bet you take more than 15 items through the express lane.
19. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
20. I believed in evolution until I met you.
21. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
22. When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
23. You look like a ‘before’ picture.
24. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
25. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

Good Comebacks

26. You hear that? It’s the sound of me not caring.
27. Where is your off button?
28. I’d give you a nasty look, but it seems like you’ve already got one.
29. Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
30. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
31. You know, you’re just not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
32. Have a nice day… somewhere else.
33. You do realize I’m just tolerating you, right?
34. I’m listening. I just need a minute to process so much stupid information at once.
35. Your secrets are always safe with me. I don’t even listen when you share them.
36. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.
37. No, that’s fine. You’re certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.
38. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
39. Tell me something… if I didn’t answer you the first time, what makes you think the next 25 attempts will work?
40. I am jealous of people who have never met you.
41. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only did that behind my back.
42. I’m so sorry if my brutal honesty inconvenienced your overinflated sense of self.
43. I’m not trying to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two.
44. Do you think this hurts my feelings? The only thing that hurts is my eyes when I’m looking at you.
45. Why don’t you go play in traffic?
46. I never forget a person’s face, but I’ll be happy to make an exception in your situation.
47. You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
48. I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber, and you keep proving me wrong.

49. Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?
50. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
51. I just love that you don’t care what people think.
52. You continue to meet my expectations.
53. I admire the way you try so hard.
54. I’m not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the world revolves around the sun and not you.
55. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
56. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
57. I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
58. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
59. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
60. I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
61. You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
62. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your personality.
63. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
64. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
65. You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
66. Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because that’s how I feel right now.
67. If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
68. The jerk store called, and they’re running out of you.
69. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
70. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
71. There’s no point to making fun of you, because it’d take the rest of the day for you to figure it out.

Savage Roasts

72. You’re the reason gene pools need lifeguards.
73. We were going to roast you, but apparently, burning trash is an environmental hazard.
74. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
75. Everyone brings happiness to a room. I bring happiness when I walk in, and you bring happiness when you leave.
76. Most mistakes can be corrected. You are the exception to the rule.
77. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
78. It seems your face caught fire, and somebody attempted to stop it with a hammer.
79. Why do you spend all your time crying about your past? It’s your future, or lack thereof, you should be upset about.
80. You’re the type of person who can’t read the room. You don’t understand when you aren’t wanted.
81. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
82. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful day.
83. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
84. The real heroes in this world are the ones who have to live with you.
85. I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

86. It’s kind of sad what happened to your face… Oh wait, that’s how it has always looked?
87. If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
88. I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
89. You have the perfect face for radio.
90. You don’t need to fear success. Trust me; you have nothing to worry about.
91. Do you know the best part about being your friend? Not having to see you all the time.
92. I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
93. You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
94. There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
95. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
96. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
97. They say opposites attract. In that case, I hope you meet someone who is good looking, intelligent, and cultured.

Funny Roasts

98. You are the human version of cramps.
99. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
100. When you were born, the doctors probably threw you out of the window, but the window threw you back.
101. Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front, and you be yourself.
102. If I was on a desert island with you and a tin of corned beef, I’d eat you and talk to the corned beef.
103. Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing the privilege.
104. Don’t worry… the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
105. I told my therapist about you. She didn’t believe me.
106. When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I figure it’s smart to give myself a head start.
107. When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life? And can you go back there?
108. Roses are red, violets are blue, so many people are pretty, but what happened to you?
109. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
110. Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
111. You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.
112. You deserve to be loved… from a distance.
113. Your grades say marry rich, but your mirror says study harder.
114. You look like you get beat up for a living.
115. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but maybe you should start walking backwards.
116. You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
117. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
118. People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
119. Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
120. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
121. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.

Funny Comebacks

122. I will not have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
123. I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
124. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
125. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
126. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
127. First off: Brush your teeth.
128. You’re like a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
129. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
130. I don’t have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.
131. Rolling your eyes isn’t going to help you find your brain.
132. I didn’t mean to push your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
133. It’s all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.
134. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
135. When I listen to you, I think you really are going to go far. I hope you stay there.
136. Light travels faster than sound. It explains why you seemed smart… until I finally heard you speak.
137. Sweetheart, the only thing bothering me is that thing between your ears.

138. You should use glue instead of chapstick.
139. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
140. You’re the reason God created amnesia.
141. Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don’t wanna be mean, but you need listerine, not a sip, not a swallow but the whole friggin’ bottle.
142. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
143. You’re about as funny as a fart in a spacesuit.
144. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
145. I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again?
146. I bet your pH level is 14. Basic.
147. You have the charisma of a wet sock.
148. You look easy to draw.
149. You’ve got so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
150. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
151. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your butt.
152. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
153. If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.
154. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
155. I’d insult you, but then I’ll have to explain it afterwards, so never mind.
156. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
157. Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.
158. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
159. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
160. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
161. People like you are the reason I am on medication.

👉 Want more? Read over 100 perfect comeback stories!