(I am friends with the girl dating my brother and while he’s away, I’ve been keeping in touch with her. At the beginning of term, I find out that we’re both auditioning for a very competitive choir, where one year, there were 800 singers vying for 170 spots.)

Me: It would be so much fun if we both got into Women’s Chorus!

Friend: I know! We’d have so many excuses to hang out.

(Unfortunately, when the list goes up, I find my name on the final roster, but not hers. Right on cue, she calls.)

Me: Hey, [friend].

Friend: [my name]! I saw you got into Women’s Chorus! That’s awesome!

Me: Thank you! I’m sorry you didn’t, but…

Friend (after a pause): Because I’m going to be in concert choir.

(This is an even more elite group.)

Me: Well, we’ll still have concerts together!

(She’s now my sister-in-law and I have no idea if she remembers this.)

(I work in a large research facility that houses several thousand animals. I am part of the veterinary medical staff and am getting ready to give out a certain medication when one of the doctors comes by.)

Doctor: What have you got there?

Me: It’s (medication) for that guy in (room). Fortunately it’s the last dose.

Doctor: Oh, is that for the monkey?

(We have about 2500 monkeys in our facility.)

Me: …yes, it’s for the monkey.

I am working as a front counter cashier of a fast-food restaurant. A man enters to use our restroom, and then leaves. I think nothing of it until he comes back about ten minutes later. It is a slow time of day and no one has come in since he originally left.

Man: My scarf is missing! I left it in the bathroom, and now it is gone.

Me: I’m sorry, but no one has come in since you left.

Man:It was there! I came in with it and left it, and now it is gone.

I go to check the bathrooms, but there is no sign of the scarf.

Man: Do you know how much that cost?! That was a $200 dollar scarf! It was a present and now it is gone and its all YOUR fault.

Me: I’m sorry about your scarf, I will keep an eye out for it.

Man: No! I want my scarf! Someone took it from the bathroom and I want it back!

Did you take it! Tell me! I want my scarf!

Me: I haven’t seen your scarf!

Another customer enters so I go to help her, meanwhile the man starts shouting at all the employees in general.

Man: I know one of you has the scarf! Let me come back there and search everyone. That is my scarves and you all are nothing but a bunch of thieves! I’m going to call the cops!

After a few more minutes of yelling, which the other employees all ignore and I am, he finally leaves.

Other Customer: Damn, I seriously doubt his scarf was worth $200.

It’s the first day of class and the teacher is known for being a jokester, this conversation takes place when we are asked our names.

Student: Hi my name is [unique name]

Teacher: that’s an interesting name, how did your parents come up with that?

Student: oh my parents put their names together and then my mom got pregnant

Teacher: that’s weird, people usually put other things together to get pregnant

Rest of Class: Laughing

(My Mother and I are talking on the phone, she’s in an emergency shelter right now. My Mother is very religious, introverted and shy, she doesn’t socialize, and has very linear beliefs. I’ve always wanted my Mother to be a P-Flag Mom but this is a little overboard.)

Mom: *Urgently says my name then Whispers into the phone.* “How do you know if someone is a Lesbian??!”

Me: *laughing* “What?” (I’ve explained

several times before that you can’t really tell someones sexual preference by distinguishing traits.)

Mom: *still quite* “Well…she asked me out for a walk and no one has asked me to go for a walk in 15 years! It was nice. *quieter again* And she tries to take care of me, um she wants me to go move in with her!”

Me: *Speechless* “I don’t think moving in with her is the best idea Mom, you need to be on your own. Just be nice to her Mom.”