That’s How The Respect Cookie Crumbles

(In English class, our teacher often goes off on tangents. Today she brought in cookies for my class.)

Teacher: “So you can all get a cookie, but make sure…”

Male Students: *all start to rise out of their seats*

Teacher: “Boys! Be patient! It is very rude to not let the girls get a chance to have any cookies. I am not saying that men in general have to always help a woman, but you guys should still give them respect. Once, I had a boyfriend who took me out to dinner and split the check, which was so rude. I mean, it was our first date. So, anyway, I broke up with him.”

Student: “Was that the reason you broke up with him?”

Teacher: “Partially. I saw him at a high school reunion and he told me he has never split the check on his first date since we dated. Oh! Over winter break I was at this restaurant with my family and the booths were really close together. There was a couple sitting next to us who looked like they were on their second or third date. Maybe it was their fourth. So I sort of overheard them — I wasn’t eavesdropping. Remember the booths were really close. So, I see them get their check and guess what? The guy takes out some money, and then hands it to his date! Isn’t that CRAZY?! Also, guys, it is nice to hold the door if you see someone. I was at Dunkin’ Donuts yesterday and I saw a guy open the door for himself and then let it shut on the lady behind him — which is not cool. If you are nice to someone they will respect you. So remember, guys, you will never get a date unless you are courteous.”

Male Student: *looking kind of uncomfortable because they were lectured about good manners*

Teacher: “Okay, class, you can go get cookies now, but make sure you only take two.”

Female Students: *all stand up and get their respective cookies*

Teacher: “You guys can get cookies too, you know. Don’t be afraid.”

Male Students: *looked to see who would get up first*

Teacher: “Now that my lecture is over, let’s keep talking about this essay…”

Me: “That was fun.”