(The class is playing softball. The teacher tends to end the game early and let us have “free time.”)

Me: “When is the game going to end?”

Teacher: “Never.”

Me: “But we have lives!”

Teacher: “Not anymore.”

(This happens when I am in first grade.)

Teacher: “Who was the first man in outer space?”

Me: “Yuri Gagarin.”

Teacher: “No, it was Alan Shepherd.”

Me: *being a bit of a space geek* “No, he was the first American in space, Mrs. [Teacher]. Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space.”

Teacher: “I don’t think so.”

(I told my mom this after school. She took me to the library where I photocopied the relevant page of the encyclopedia. I brought it into class the next day, and the teacher actually apologized.)

(I am at school. My teacher has a break and a kid asks a question.)

Kid: “Why isn’t the school day shorter?”

(Before the teacher can answer:)

Me: “So she gets paid more!”

Teacher: “…”

(We take part in a well-known pizza chain’s literacy promotion. The goal was to read the most pages in a book by the end of the month to win a pizza party. This happens after I’ve written down my number of pages on the chart.)

Teacher: “[My Name], don’t lie about your pages. There’s no way you could have read eight hundred pages in a week.”

Me: “I’m not lying, though. I really did read that many pages. You can call my mom or grandfather. They’ll tell you.”

Teacher: “I still think you’re lying. Look at the board. Your fellow students have no more than hundred pages between them.”

Me: “I’ve got the book right here!” *I open up my bag to reveal that year’s copy of Guinness Book of World Records*

Teacher: “There’s no possible way you could have read all that and understood it.”

Other Student: “[Teacher], don’t you want our class to win the pizza party? Why not quiz [My Name]?”

Teacher: “Don’t encourage him to lie, [Student]! But fine…”

(She opened to a random page and asked me about the records on the page. While I had trouble pronouncing the names, I was able to relay the information about the records as they stood in that year. This went on for five minutes.)

Teacher: “I can’t believe it.” *to the other students* “You all saw it, right?” *they all nod and say yes* I’ll need to talk it over with the principal.”

(She had a conference with the principal on the matter and he, being a friend of my family, wasn’t surprised. In fact, the whole thing amused him greatly. He pulled me aside after school was out for the day.)

Principal: “[My Name], did you honestly read the Guinness Book of World Records?”

Me: “Not all of it. I still have fifty pages to go.”

Principal: “[My Name], that’s amazing. But you can’t do that every time there’s a reading contest. It’s unfair to the rest of the students. Understand?”

Me: “I do, [Principal].”

Principal: “Good. You’re free to go. I’ll see you at the pizza party.”

(Our class won the pizza party. However, I received a letter from the promotion afterwards saying that I wasn’t allowed to participate the next time.)

Friend: “Wait, [My Name], what’s your last name? I forgot.”

Me: “What’s the whitest name you can think of?”

Friend: “Smith!”

Me: “Yes.”