Customer #1: “My god, you look just like Scarlett O’Hara! Have you ever seen Gone With The Wind?”

Me: *laughing* “Thanks! I actually haven’t seen it, but I want to eventually!”

Customer #1: “Those blue eyes, and dark hair! You’re a dead ringer, Scarlett!”

(Customer #1, who is a very petite, elderly woman, continues to refer to me as ‘Scarlett’ for all of her questions, calling me over to wherever she is in the store to evaluate different gift baskets, etc. She’s pretty awesome, and I am happy to oblige. Then, Customer #2 enters the store. He is a tall, broad shouldered, grumpy middle-aged man. I leave Customer #1 to go back behind the register.)

Customer#2: “Where the **** are the cheese pretzels?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we are out of those until next year. With expansion—”

Customer#2: “That’s bulls***! I have been coming here every other week for two months, and everyone keeps telling me different times!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir! I was ju-”

Customer#2: “I think all of you are full of s***!”

(Suddenly, Customer #1 comes flying around the corner and up to my register.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “Do you even know who you are talking to?! Don’t you dare talk to her like that! You should be ashamed of yourself, you great big lout!”

(Customer #2 clearly was not expecting Customer #1 to yell at him, and sheepishly retreats out of the store but still grumbling.)

Me: “Wow, I’m so sorry about this whole thing, ma’am. I have got to ask, weren’t you scared? That guy was huge!”

Customer #1: “Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a d*&%!”

(I cracked up laughing and gave her my discount for getting rid of my troublesome customer!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this a store?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “A store where you can buy things?”

Me: “Um… yes?”

Customer: “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes!” *hangs up*

(I work in a large office supplies store that gives customers rewards coupons that act as a certain cash amount that can be spent on anything. We often send out separate coupons that expire on a Saturday, as that is when our sales change. This happens as I am working as a cashier on a closing shift on Saturday.)

Me: “Hi, did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think this is all I need.”

(He hands me his rewards coupons, along with another coupon for $5 off a $25 purchase.)

Me: “Oh, it looks like you’re not quite at $25, with only $17 worth of stuff. But your rewards coupons would take you down to around $3, so you’re fine!”

Customer: “What? But I really wanted to use this $5 coupon. It expires today!”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to use it, but I guess it’s up to you if you want to spend more money.”

(The customer picks up all his things with a huff and walks away to look for more things. He returns almost 20 minutes later with many more things; one of the items alone is $40.)

Me: “So, I guess you found more stuff?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is how you get us to spend more money, huh? You give us these coupons that expire to force us to buy more at a time!”

(Even with his coupons the guy spent around $30, ten times more than he would have spent originally!)

(I have just taken over a register where the guest has already been complaining the previous cashier was too slow.)

Me: “Hi! Any coupons or gift cards you are using today?”

(I move the divider out of the way to start ringing her items.)

Customer: *gasps* “Um, yeah. You… you need to put that bar back down.”

Me: “I am just moving it to start ringing your items.”

Customer: “No! Put it back. It has to be there. The belt cannot move. Now!”

Me: “Ma’am, I will be unable to reach the items if the belt doesn’t move.”

Customer: “I will hand you the items. I will not have the belt moving!”

Me: “Uh… why?”

Customer: “I can’t have it move! I lose control of my items when the belt moves! I must be in charge of my items! IT CAN’T MOVE!”

(She was having a freak out about the whole thing. I gave up and just tried to get her out as fast as possible.)

(Two customers, one male, one female, with notable Spanish accents approach. While I’m Caucasian, I’m quite fluent in Spanish.)

Male Customer: “Yes, we’d like to return this coffee maker. It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Certainly. May I see your receipt?”

(The male customer looks slightly taken aback.)

Male Customer: “Oh, uh, we threw that away.”

Me: “Ah, well I’m sorry but the only thing we can do then is give you a store credit.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. We’ll find something else.”

Me: “Superb. Just let me check inside and we’ll take care of this.”

(I proceed to open the box.)

Male Customer: “Que? What are you doing?”

Me: “I have to check the product, sir. It’ll only take a moment.”

(The male customer looks increasingly taken aback, and I quickly find out why. While the coffee maker is a model we carry, it has a different brand name printed on it, and the plug is visibly a three prong European version, as opposed to the two prong U.S. version.)

Me: “Sir, are you sure you purchased this in this store?”

Male Customer: “Yes, certain!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to get my manager. Just a moment.”

(I page the manager on duty, explain what’s happening and then show him the coffee maker.)

Manager: “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re not going to be able to credit you for this. You can’t possibly have purchased this here because this is the international version of the machine. We only sell the U.S. version.”

Male Customer: *sputters, then hangs his head* “Sorry, I must have made a mistake.”

(He takes the box back and turns to leave, whereupon the female customer whacks him upside the head.)

Female Customer: *in Spanish* “Oh, no! ‘Americans are all idiots!’ ‘They won’t check if it’s the right item!’ ‘They don’t know about international voltage!’ You are a f***ing disgrace, you know that!? No way is that going back in my luggage for the flight home!”