(When employees forget their name tags we have temporary tags for them to write their name on and stick them to their shirts. One day I forget my tag, so I grab a temporary one and write ‘Smee’ as my name. I am called to assist an older couple with an issue at a register. After the issue is taken care of the conversation goes as follows:)

Wife: “Smee? What kind of name is that?”

Me: “Oh, it’s an old family name. Goes back many generations.”

Wife:  “Really? Is it European?”

Me:  “English, actually. It started with a famous relative.”

Wife:  “Oh, how famous?

(The husband turns away and suppresses a laugh and smile.)

Me: “Well I had a great, great, great, great, great uncle who sailed with a famous sea captain as his first mate.”

Wife:  “Really? What sea captain was that?”

Me:  “Oh, you know, Captain Hook!”

(The husband cracks up.)

Wife:  “Oh, my. Wait. Who?”

(At this point I got called away to another register. As I left the husband and the cashier were laughing and the wife was asking who Captain Hook is.)

(At the dive shop I work at, we do all sorts of courses, but mostly learn-to-dive courses called ‘open water course.’ Just before closing, a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Hi, I did this course with you… um… learning… an open course?”

Me: “Oh, you mean the beginners course?”

Customer: “I don’t know/ It was the… the… open course or something like that.”

Me: “Was it the ‘learn to dive’ course? The first dive course you have done?”

Customer: “No! Maybe… I’m not sure.”

Me: “Yeah, if it was the beginner’s course, then it is called the ‘open water course.'”

Customer: “That’s the one! So, I did that with you guys. You gave me a DVD and said when I bring it back you give me $50.”

(I had never heard of such a thing, but I haven’t been working there for more than a couple of months so I ask my coworker about it.)

Coworker: “Nah, mate, we don’t give out DVDs. It’s all online. Maybe you did the course with someone else?”

Customer: “No, I did it here! You said you give me $50! I have the DVD. You know, it is a CD but with videos on it!”

Coworker: “I know what a DVD is, but we still don’t do that trade-in you are talking about.”

Manager: *poking head around corner* “When did you do your course?”

Customer: “About… three, four years ago?”

Manager: “Hm. So, about five years ago we gave out DVDs for customers to watch before their course rather than watching the videos here. They had to pay $40 deposit which they got back when they returned the DVD.”

Customer: “Yes, that was it! I found the DVD now. Can I give it back and you give me $50?”

Manager: “No. First of all you would’ve only paid $40 deposit, and we haven’t use the DVDs for at least four years.”

Customer: “But… I found it again! Can I bring it in and I get money back?”

Manager: “No! They are useless to us now and you are about five years late in returning it!”

(The customer just turns and walks out the store.)

(I work as a cashier for a small but profitable sporting goods store. At this time, I’m cashiering with another coworker who has just gone on break. 10 minutes later, she comes to the registers to relieve me. I’m known around our store to be a bit of a joker.)

Coworker: “Your turn. Go on break.”

(I turn around and grab the two ‘closed’ signs that we keep at our registers. I hold them in my hands and rub the ends of the signs together like I’m warming up the pads of a defibrillator.)

Me: “CLEAR!”

(I slam down the signs onto the counters dramatically. My manager, who happened to walk by the register area, walks away clapping his hands and laughing hysterically. My coworker starts laughing, too.)

Manager: “That was genuinely entertaining.”

(I smile and walk towards the back room to take my break. To this day, I’m still surprised they’ve put up with me for a year and a half.)

(I just moved back to my home town. My mom and I are shopping. My mom walks away to get something while I am standing with the cart. A Muslim couple walks in. The woman is wearing a hijab. Another couple I know who live in my town, who are known to be racist, walks into the store, as well.)

Racist: “Go home, you d*** terrorist!. This is a Christian nation! You foreigners are taking food stamps and welfare away from pure white Americans who need it!”

Woman: “I hope you know that I am American and I was born in the United States.”

Racist: “Yeah, right. The only true Americans are Christians!”

(I feel the need to intervene.)

Me: “You are not acting very Christian-like! Jesus loves everyone!” *to the Muslim woman* “I am sorry, miss. Not all us are like this.”

Woman: “I know, sweetheart.”

(My mother comes back and then gasps.)

Mother: “I can’t believe it!” *grabs my arm and pulls me towards the Muslim woman* “Honey, this woman is the doctor that delivered you as a baby!”

Woman: “Oh, wow! How are old are you now?”

Me: “21.”

Woman: “Wait, are you by any chance [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, I am!”

Woman: “You are the first baby I ever delivered! I never forgot the name of the first baby I delivered!”

(The racist couple huffed and stomped off while we all caught up!)

(It is currently late at night, with a winter storm expected to come the following morning. I am running customer service when the phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “Hello, [Store] [Location] customer service desk. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d just like to let you know that tomorrow morning is going to horrible and that all of the young people won’t be coming in. However, all of the elderly people that work will be, because they are the ones who really need the money. Bye!”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: *click*

(I put the phone back on the receiver and relay the comment to a manager.)

Manager: “Oh my God, it’s not even tomorrow yet and they are ALREADY complaining!”