Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood

, , , | Right | June 20, 2008

(A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”

Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”

Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”

Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Tourist: “Cuban?”

Me: “No.”

Tourist: “What are you, then?”

Me: “I’m Native American.”

Tourist: “So am I.”

(She’s white as notebook paper.)

Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”

Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”

Me: “Just take your change.”

 

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How About Your Husband Buy You A Brain

, , , | Right | June 19, 2008

Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!”

Me: “That’s very strange, ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.”

Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!”

Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.”

(Woman hands me her memory card huffily.)

Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.”

Woman: “…”

(She snatched her battery out of my hands and stormed out of the store.)

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Everyone’s A Wiseguy

, | Right | June 18, 2008

(Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.)

Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?”

Customer service rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?”

Salesman 1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.”

Salesman 2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.”

Salesman 3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.”

Salesman 4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!'”

Customer service rep: *picks call back up* “No sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.”

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Why It Pays To Listen

| Right | June 18, 2008

(A customer reserved an expensive feather blanket a week before, and it was on sale when he came to pick it up.)

Customer: “This blanket is on sale!” *waves his reserve slip*

Me: “Yes it is, sir.”

Customer: “I’m not taking it, since I have to pay double the price!”

Me: “You automatically get the discount even though your reservation slip says the price is higher.”

Customer: “I’m not paying the full price for this blanket!”

Me: “Sir, you don’t have to. You get the discount.”

Customer: “Are you a f***ing idiot? I’m not paying the full price! It’s on sale, and I’m only paying the sale price!”

Me, trying not to laugh: “Sir, I’ve been trying to tell you that our system will automatically sell it for the sale price.”

Customer: “You don’t get it! Let me speak to your manager!”

(I call the manager, and after about 5 minutes of this, he and I finally got the customer to believe he was getting his blanket for the sale price. We laughed a good ten minutes after the guy had left.)

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How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

, | Right | June 17, 2008

(Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a centerpiece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

Me: “Sir?”

Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

Old Man: “All right… I’ll give you two hundred!”

Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

(As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

(Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

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