(This happens shortly after our store gets a new store manager. He has a huge problem with not listening. After a few weeks with him, my patience is wearing thin. He notices I’m being somewhat blunt with him and decides we need to have a talk. He calls me into his office after my shift is over but before I’ve clocked out.)

Manager: “I noticed you and I haven’t been getting along very well.”

Me: “I guess.”

Manager: “I want to know why that is. What’s going on?”

Me: “Quite frankly, the problem is that you don’t listen to me. I ask you a question and you give me an answer that doesn’t relate to what I asked. I try to clarify and you give me an answer that’s completely incompatible with the first thing you said. You’ve given me up to five different answers to the same question. Quite frankly, I’m getting tired of having to ask the same question three or four times to get you to answer the question I asked.”

(He nods, looking very thoughtful.)

Manager: “Ah. I see.”

Me: “Hm?”

Manager: “You know, I want us all to be able to work together here. We’re like a family, you know, and it works best when we’re all working together at our best. So I want to make sure that any problems we have are taken care of quickly, so that we can all get along.”

Me: “Oookay…?”

Manager: “So what can I do to help you with your listening problem?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Would it help you if I wrote your instructions down? Would that make it easier for you to listen to me?”

Me: “Yeah. I think we’re done here.”

Manager: “No, I think we can work this out—”

Me: *already leaving* “No, somehow I don’t think so.”

(Fortunately, he was gone in less time than it took me to find a new job. The sad thing is, based on what I knew of him, I don’t think he did that on purpose, to mess with me or cover himself or anything like that. I think he honestly was that confused.)

(I am ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *hands him receipt*

Customer: “Oh. I meant yeah as in ‘no’.”

Me: “Ah, yes, I also mean the exact opposite of what I say.”

(I’m ringing up a woman who has her young daughter with her.)

Me: “Okay, it looks like your total today will be $6.67.”

(The woman stops what she’s doing, puts a protective arm in front of her daughter, and is looking at me with wide eyes.)

Customer: “What was the total?”

Me: *a bit confused but then realizing* “…Oh! Six sixty seven.”

Customer: *relaxing* “Oh, good. I was about to have to add something else on the sale so it would change the price.”

(I am usually a cashier, but, in some circumstances when the business is slow, a manager will ask me to put up things that were left behind at registers. I’m busy returning some toiletries to the toilet paper aisle when I see a woman staring indecisively at a package of toilet paper in her hand.)

Woman: “Hmmm.”

(She places the package into her buggy and continues to stare.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with, ma’am?”

Woman: “Oh, no! I’m fine.”

(She turns away from me and pulls her cellphone out of her back pocket. Quickly, she snaps a photo of the toilet paper lying in her cart.)

Woman: “Wow, that’s a good picture! I’m going to put it on Facebook.”

(Pleased with herself, she smiled and threw the package back onto the shelf. I, confused, moved along with my returns, shaking my head in disbelief.)

This story is part of the Toilet Paper roundup!

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(I work at a cosmetics counter in a department store. A lot of men like to joke as they walk by, saying something like “Will you put some makeup on me and make me prettier?” My answer is always the same. This man, however, one-upped me.)

Customer: “Will you put some makeup on me?” *laughs*

Me: “If you want to sit down, I will!”

Customer: “All right, put some eyeliner on me and let’s see if my kids notice!”

(I put some brown eyeliner on him and he left to go find his family, but not before insisting I take a tip from him. He ended up shoving five bucks in my uniform pocket and just walking away. About ten minutes later, he walked back by.)

Customer: *loudly whispering* “They haven’t even noticed yet!”

(Thanks, random man, for making me smile and buying my coworkers and me Cokes with your tip!)