(Though English is my native tongue, I’m also fluent in several other languages and sometimes get my words mixed up. I’m moving out of my flat and I need to find a new tenant to take over my room. This exchange happens when I try to tell the landlord about my progress.)

Me: “So, I advertised the room online and I got loads of responses!”

Landlord: “Oh wow! Good job.”

Me: “Thanks! Some of them weren’t good matches though, so I had to exterminate them.”

Landlord: “… What?”

Me: “Wait, no! I mean eliminate! You know, cross them off the list!”

(I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a murderer now…)

(I am self-employed in the real estate appraisal business. I have made an FHA appraisal of a home that needs some minor repair. Once the repairs have been made, it will be necessary for me to re-inspect the home to make sure that the repairs have been satisfactorily completed. In this case, I have required that railings be installed around the front porch and stairway because they are several feet above the walkway. Shortly after submitting the appraisal and repair list, I received a call from the seller’s realtor.)

Realtor: “I want to talk to you about the repairs you required. Why do we have to put up stair and porch railings?”

Me: “It’s an FHA requirement. When a home sells with FHA financing, it has to meet minimum safety standards set by FHA.”

Realtor: “Well, I don’t see why they’re necessary. The house already has an FHA loan. Why weren’t the railings required when my client bought the house?”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe the other appraiser wasn’t paying attention.”

Realtor: “Why can’t you just look the other way?”

Me: “I’m sorry. That’s not the way I do business.”

Realtor: “We’re not going to put up the railings. And that’s that.”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but it seems to be a shame that you’re going to allow this sale to be killed over a few hundred dollars.”

Realtor: *long pause* “Okay, but you can’t charge for the repair inspection.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Realtor: “I mean if we’re going to pay for a repair that’s clearly not necessary, then the least you can do is waive your fee for the repair inspection.”

Me: “Let me call you right back. I’ll have to talk to my supervisor about this. I don’t know what he’ll say.”

Realtor: “Okay. That will be fine.”

(The realtor doesn’t know that I’m self employed. I wait ten minutes and call the realtor back.)

Realtor: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello. I just spoke to my supervisor and he got mad as h***. I argued on your behalf and he finally agreed to a 50 percent discount on the fee. This is the best I can do. He’s really upset with me.”

Realtor: “A 50 percent discount? Okay. That will be fine.”

(The realtor and seller were good to their word and quickly had the railings installed. On the invoice to the mortgage company, I charged full fee, but wrote in blue ink, ‘This fee represents a 50 percent discount.’ I later did several more appraisals for that realtor. He thought he had gotten the best of me!)

(I am moving over 100 miles away, to a new area I don’t know at all.)

Me: “So, are there any areas of the town I should avoid?”

Agent: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You know, bad areas, dangerous places I wouldn’t really want to live.”

Agent: *proudly* “No! Not at all. This is a lovely town; there’s nowhere I wouldn’t live myself.”

(I’m doubtful, as every town has its dodgy streets. But she recommends some houses on the market, and we go through the particulars.)

Me: “I like the look of this place. Can you get me a viewing tonight? Around 6:00 or 6:30?”

Agent: “Oh. Would someone be going with you?”

Me: “No, I’m looking on my own at the moment. My husband’s still back in [our home town].”

Agent: “But you’ll be driving there?”

Me: “No, it’s only a 20-minute walk from where I’m staying.”

Agent: *shocked* “Oh, no! No. I wouldn’t let you walk around that neighborhood on your own, and especially not after dark!”

Me: “Well then, I’m hardly going to buy a house and live there, am I?!”

This story is part of the Homeownership roundup!

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(A tenant in an office building calls the property management office. It’s autumn, and a bit chilly outside. Not every office in this building has a window, but hers does. Tenants pay more for the larger suites with windows.)

Tenant: “Ever since the heat came on last week, my office has been stifling! Can’t the maintenance do anything?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the office suites do not have individual heat controls. However, I can put in a ticket for maintenance to come and adjust your overhead vent so you don’t have as much warm air coming in.”

Tenant: “Well how long will that be? I’m dying in here!”

Me: “Maintenance is usually able to complete their tickets in a day or two.”

Tenant: “What? He can’t come today? This is completely ridiculous! How do you expect me to work, or see clients? I’m sweating!”

Me: “Well, in the meantime, you could certainly crack a window. It’s nice and cool outside.”

Tenant: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I PAY FOR!”

(I’m a leasing agent for a local management company. A large percentage of our leasees are college students. I am showing a home to 5 students. On the second floor, there are two bathrooms back to back.)

Me: “Here’s the 2nd bathroom.”

Student: “Can we knock the wall down between the two bathrooms?”

Me: “Um, no. I can tell you now that the owner will not do that.”

Student: “Aww, come on. You should at least ask!”

Me: “Why do you want to knock down the wall anyway?”

Student: “So we can do GROUP POOP!”