(A vendor had requested a rush check cut and sent overnight. The check hasn’t arrived and he calls me, clearly looking for a fight.)

Vendor: *on the phone* “We never received the check today. We specifically requested the check be rushed and sent overnight so we would receive it by Thursday! I don’t know what you do sitting at that desk all day! Did you even cut the check?”

Me: *ignoring that and using my cheery customer service voice* “Let me look up the tracking number. Okay, it says your package is at the facility that had the shooting yesterday.”

(The San Francisco UPS facility had an employee shoot and kill three people and himself.)

Me: “It’s been delayed one day.”

Vendor: *silence*

Me: “So, it looks like we got that sorted. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(The kicker is he had the tracking number. He could have looked up and seen the reason without looking like an a**.)

(We are in the process of selling a house. The buyers got a great deal and seem really enthusiastic. It quickly turns into a pain when they take forever to action anything, and keep asking stupid question. Their solicitor is no better. I am copied in on these emails.)

Buyer Solicitor: “Hi, could we have a copy of the water bill?”

My Solicitor: “These were sent over a month ago.”

Buyer Solicitor: “No, the actual paper copy.”

My Solicitor: “As explained in the email, no paper bills are received, only online. That was what we provided, last month.”

Buyer Solicitor: “Hmm, well, ok. We need the warranty pack.”

My Solicitor: “Again, last month, we explained that there is no paper copy. Please ring [number] and they will provide one for you.”

Buyer Solicitor: “Okay, thanks.”

(Two weeks later, we are running out of time.)

Buyer Solicitor: “Hi, I’m going to need the warranty pack.”

My Solicitor: “As explained two weeks ago and six weeks ago, the paper version is no longer available. Please ring [number] and request one.”

Buyer Solicitor: “No, that will cost my clients [small amount of money]. You will have to pay.”

My Solicitor: “Fine, there will be money set aside for you on exchange.”

(Another week later, and now the sale is hanging by a thread.)

Buyer Solicitor: “We need the warranty pack.”

My Solicitor: “This has all been covered. We are running out of time! What exactly is wrong with the information provided?”

(Three days later.)

Buyer Solicitor: “Oh, we want it before we sign.”

(Everything is going wrong. The people we are working for have been patient, but are threatening to pull out. This constant change of request means we have only a few days left. I rush around and get the pack. It took all of a few minutes to do, something they could have done easily. Quickly, I send it over.)

My Solicitor: “We have provided everything you asked for. Will you now sign?”

(A whole day later and several emails.)

Buyer Solicitor: “No, my clients have said that the whole process has taken too long, and they are pulling out.”

(Months of waiting…. Because of them, four families with Christmas ruined, living in boxes. And they complained that it took too long! )

(I call an estate agent about a property I’d like to view. Note that it’s Tuesday afternoon.)

Agent: “So what times could you view the property?”

Me: “Weekend is best for me.”

Agent: “Would 9:30 am on Saturday be okay?”

Me: “Yep, that’s perfect.”

Agent: “Great. I’ll send you a confirmatory email now and I will see you at 9:30 am on Saturday.”

Me: “Okay, great. See you then.”

(I see an email later that day and skim through it, noting the time, date, and address but – rather stupidly – not really reading it in detail. Fast forward to Saturday morning. At about 9:25 am, just as I’m coming up the road to the property, the estate agent calls me.)

Agent: “Hello. Just to check if you are going to the viewing of [Address] today?”

Me: “Yep. In fact, I’m nearly at the front of the property.”

Agent: “Oh, wait. You are?”

Me: “Yes.”

Agent: “Oh. I didn’t think you were coming.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Agent: “You didn’t reply to the email to confirm you were coming.”

Me: “Oh. Sorry. My fault; I obviously didn’t read it properly. But, uh, we agreed the time and date on the phone and you said the email was confirmatory so I didn’t think to see if you were expecting a reply… Um, so is there a viewing? I mean, I’m kind of here now.”

Agent: “Well, I didn’t think you were going so I can’t make it.”

Me: “Uh… then why did you phone to ask if I was coming?”

Agent: “Just in case you were.”

Me: “But if you can’t make it and didn’t think I was coming, why did you wait until five minutes before the viewing to phone?”

Agent: “Well, just in case you were coming.”

Me: “Okay, but, uh, if you’re not going to show me the property then is there a viewing at all?”

Agent: “Well, we told the current tenants you might turn up. They can show you around.”

Me: “Um, okay. If they don’t mind then that’s fine. Thanks.”

(I ring the doorbell and a woman answers.)

Me: “Hi. Uh, [Estate Agent] said she told you I was coming to view the property.”

Tenant: “Oh. No, she didn’t. We’ve not heard of any viewings today. Is she around?”

Me: “No. She didn’t think I was coming for some reason but she rang me just now to ask me if I was and told me she’d told you I might be coming. Don’t worry. I think there’s been a lot of crossed wires and I don’t want to put you out.”

Tenant: “No, it’s all right. Come on up. You’ve come all this way so you might as well have a look. I’ll speak to her and the landlord later about notifying us of people coming for viewings.”

(It turned out to be for the best that the tenants showed me around as they told me the rather interesting tidbit of the fact that the property leaked at least once a year. To be fair to the estate agent, I re-read the email later and true to her word, there was a line at the end of it asking me to confirm my attendance. I still don’t understand why she phoned me five minutes before the viewing or why she told me she’d notified the tenants when she hadn’t, but maybe I’m missing something.)

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(I’m showing a high-end inner city commercial space with an outside area to potential renters, both solemn businessmen in their 50s or 60s.)

Me: “This is the garden. For a restaurant, this could become an herb garden or the perfect pool party bar place. Or for a museum or art gallery, an exciting garden of sculptures. And if you want to use the inside premises just as offices, you could grow your own hemp plantation here to be able to afford the rent.”

(We are using a relocation company as we are moving from America to France. We visit France for a week to look at apartments after giving explicit details two months ago about what we are looking for, including an elevator and for the location to be in center city. We are already upset because they only scheduled four appointments for the whole week, as this is the only week we can view places until we move here next month.)

Realtor: “Okay, the first apartment we are going to see is on the third floor with no lift.”

Me: “There’s no elevator? We requested an elevator.”

Realtor: “No, but it is only the third floor.”

Me: “Our dog can’t climb stairs. We need an elevator.”

Realtor: “What? I wish you would have told me!”

Fiancé: “We told you in the forms we filled out that we needed an elevator.”

Realtor: “Yes, but you didn’t give a reason! I just thought you wanted an elevator because it’s the American way but I figured you are both young and can walk.”

(The next apartment had stairs as well and the fourth was 20 minutes from the city center so we spent a whole week in France to see one apartment. Now my fiancé, I, my dog, and my cat will have to live in a tiny hotel room and we will have to pay the shipping company extra to hold onto our stuff until we can find a suitable place.)

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