(I am taking a walk with some friends and their kids. The oldest is ten or eleven years old. She is looking on her mom’s smartphone, presumably at news.)
Daughter: “Mom! Look! These stocks went up $18,000 today! You should get some!”
Dad: “That’s the Dow Jones, sweetie!”
Daughter: “Yeah! You should get some!”
(My husband, while sweet, isn’t always the most romantic individual, but today he nailed it. We are working in the garden, him weeding at my direction while I am tending the tomatoes.)
Me: “Can you toss me the keys? I need the pocket knife to open the epsom salt.”
Husband: “Sure.” *throws the keys* “You know, that little knife is the second-best purchase I ever made.”
Me: *absentmindedly opening the bag* “Oh? What’s your best purchase?”
Husband: “It’s on your finger.”
(It’s about 11:30 p.m., but I can’t sleep, so decide to go for a walk to get some fast food. My utili-kilt is the most convenient thing to throw on that isn’t PJs. About three blocks from home, a car roars up behind me and slows down.)
Random Guy: “Hey, baby, look at that a**! Woohoo!”
Driver: “Looking sexy! Wanna get a drink?”
(The car begins to pass me, and I look over, showing them my unsmiling face, with full beard. The guys go white and the car peels out. Ladies, I am sorry for my gender.)
(It’s a very warm day. I’m walking through the town centre shirtless (I’m male and in my thirties). I walk past two men in their mid-fifties.)
Man: *not in a mocking way at all* “You, sir, look like love’s young dream.”
Me: “Um, thanks?” *smiles politely*
Man: *smiles back* “No problem.”
(I continue with my walk. Later I text my boyfriend about this, who replies with “Slightly creepy, but I think you’ve pulled. xxx.”)
(Several friends and I often LARP in the evenings in an empty lot behind a strip mall, which has some restaurants that are frequented by police officers from the nearby department. Sometimes, if they aren’t busy, the officers will get food to go, sit in their cars, and watch us play. One night we are playing alone when a police car drives up with its lights on, and the officers get out and approach us.)
Friend: “Hi, officers! Is something wrong?”
Officer: “Not unless you’ve seen anyone else around here tonight.”
Friend: “Nope, just us. Why?”
Officer: “We got a call from someone driving by who said they saw ‘rival gangs’ out here trying to kill each other with swords. We thought it was probably you guys, but of course we had to check it out.”
(We all kind of look at our ‘swords’ in confusion, since they’re basically pool noodles cut down and wrapped around sticks, and would be hard to mistake for real swords.)
Me: “So do we need to leave?”
Officer: “Nah, y’all are fine. We have to keep patrolling now, so call us if you come across any sword-wielding gangsters.”
(That was the first and only time anyone ever had a problem with us playing there. The whole department must have been talking about that call, though, since from then on any officers who watched us play would ask if we’d found those sword-wielding gangsters yet!)
