(I am the only female employee (but also the most knowledgeable) in the tool department. Over the past two weeks a middle aged couple has come in several times for help with a home improvement project. After our first interaction they were so impressed with me they would seek me out, ignoring other associates altogether. This was the third time I have seen them this week and they have waited patiently for 10 minutes while I finish up with another customer.)

Me: “Hi! How are you two today? How’s the bathroom reno going?”

Female Customer: “Oh, just great, thanks to you! We would be so behind if we hadn’t had your help!”

Male Customer: “That’s right; you’re such a sweet girl. We wanted to ask you one last thing.”

Me: “Okay. Do you need a recommendation for a plumber like we talked about?”

(They look at each other and smile.)

Female Customer: “Actually, it’s been so nice getting to know you we were wondering if you would be interested in joining us in the bedroom.”

Me: *sure I misunderstood the request* “Um, you mean you’d like to make some improvements to your bedroom next?”

Male Customer: *laughs* “No, dear. We’d like to have a threesome with you. Or a foursome if your partner would like to join us, as well.”

(I stand there in complete stunned silence for a moment.)

Female Customer: *to her husband* “I told you this was a bad idea. We’ve scared her half to death.” *to me* “I’m so sorry, dear. I hope this doesn’t change the way you see us. It’s just so difficult to find people you get along with and trust!”

(At that point I just walked away, unable to think of any kind of response to such an inappropriate request. They left right away and I never saw them again, thank the stars!)

(I’m at the service desk, finishing a battery replacement for a regular customer’s hearing aids. We’re having our normal chit chat; he loves talking about his grandkids. A woman enters, comes to the desk, and starts complaining immediately.)

Woman: “I don’t have this kind of time! Why are you doing his job? I need service.”

Me: “We always offer battery replacement.” *as I say this, I finish the replacements* “Okay, sir, you’re good to go! I’ll let [Cashier] know you’ve paid already. Have a nice night.”

Man: “Thank you. You get everything done so nicely.” *he heads out*

Woman: “Finally! My drill is broken. I want my replacement.”

Me: “Okay, let me see the drill and we can go from there.”

(She slams a drill from another chain onto the desk; it has a smashed battery pack.)

Woman: “There! It’s broken.”

Me: “This drill isn’t from here, and—”

Woman: “F****** liar! I want your manager!”

Me: *sees manager walking over due to her fuss* “Sure. Hey, [Manager], this customer wants to speak to you.”

Woman: “This b**** won’t replace my drill! I can’t use that one to hammer nails into concrete now.”

Manager: “Say what?”

Woman: “I need to hammer nails into my basement walls. This drill broke. How is that hard to understand? Give me my replacement!”

Manager: “First, that’s not a drill we sell. Second, our replacement guarantee only applies when the tool is used properly. It’s not a hammer, so it’s broken from misuse. Even if it was ours, we wouldn’t process a replacement.”

Woman: “How the f*** am I supposed to know I can’t use this as a hammer?! I’ll go get my own free replacement!”

Manager: “Okay. I’ll call the police.”

Woman: “F*** you! I ain’t violating my parole for you!” *she storms out*

Cashier: *over radio* “Um. Did that really just happen?”

(Two hours later, she returns with a drill now spray painted yellow. The cashier immediately gets the manager.)

Woman: “See! This is your drill! Give me my f****** replacement, you c***!” *slams drill and paint covered hand on counter*

Manager: “It still says [Brand] and the paint is coming off on your hand. Leave now; you’re now prohibited from coming in.”

Woman: “You can’t prove who I am.”

Manager: “Cameras are above you. Your fingerprints are on the counter. You have unique tattoos. You’re on parole. Pretty sure we can track you.”

(Customer ran out, and hasn’t returned.)

(A customer comes to the returns desk and slams down a doorknob.)

Customer: *rudely* “I would like to return this light bulb.”

Me: *pause* “Do you have the light bulb or did you mean this doorknob here?”

Customer: *rolls her eyes and says* “I meant to say doorknob, obviously”.

(All I could think was “I hope you didn’t think this was a light bulb that didn’t work.” Either way, it made my day!)

(I am shopping with my parents at a home improvement store during the Halloween season. There is a skeleton on display that has candy on it.)

Dad: *reaches for candy*

Mom: “Don’t take that! It’s for display!”

Dad: “It looks like samples to me.”

(We head to the cash registers to make a purchase. A woman who appears to be the manager is with the cashier.)

Dad: “Just curious, is the candy on the Halloween display free?”

Manager: “I would expect…”

Dad: *to Mom* “Ha! I told you!”

Mom: “You gonna go back and get some?”

Dad: “Nah.”

Manager: “I’ll go get you some.”

(The manager actually goes and gets us some candy.)

Dad: “Thank you!”

(I am remodeling my home and have spent about $3000 at this particular big-box home improvement store. I go to buy some expensive electrical wire and some new saw blades, among other things. There is a sign over the blades that says, “Carbide Blades: Buy one, get one free,” so I decide to get two. As I’m being checked out, I see that the blades aren’t ringing up at the sale price.)

Me: “Excuse me, but those are supposed to be buy one, get one free.”

Young Associate: “Hmm, they’re not ringing up that way. Let me get a manager.”

(An older manager approaches.)

Manager: “These are ringing up properly.”

Me: “I’m sorry but they’re not. There was a sign over them that said carbide blades are buy one, get one free, and these are carbide blades.”

Manager: *clearly not believing me* “Oh, yeah? Let’s go look, then.”

(We walk over to the sign.)

Me: “You see? It says so right there.”

Manager: “Uh, well… the sale is only on the blades that are pictured on the sign.”

Me: “It doesn’t say that anywhere. It just says carbide blades.”

Manager: *raising his voice* “I don’t care what it doesn’t say. It’s only on those pictured blades!”

Me: “I’d like to speak to a store manager, please.”

(Ultimately, the store manager gives me the discounted price on the blades, and the manager completes my checkout, grumbling the whole time.)

Manager: “People like you are what causes shrinkage…”

Me: “Yeah, OK, whatever. Has nothing to do with your inaccurate signage or anything…”

(I leave the store. About halfway home, I start to think about the total price of my purchases, and how it seemed much lower than I expected. I check the receipt, and realize that my electrical wire isn’t on it. I return to the store with the wire, and the manager is still in the checkout area.)

Me: “Yeah, hi, remember me? I’m the one who causes shrinkage? You forgot to charge me for this $75 dollar wire.”

Manager: *gapes at me*

Me: “I’d like to pay for it now, please.”

(He didn’t say a thing through the transaction.)