(We have a very laid back French class. The class has a wide range of students, with one jock copying off of a nerdy girl on a regular basis. On this day, we were assigned to do a page in the workbook.)

Nerdy Girl: *quietly* “Madame, can you call on [Jock]?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

(A few minutes later, the teacher calls on people to go write their answers on the board. Sure enough, she calls the jock. He doesn’t hide the fact that he simply grabs the nerdy girl’s workbook to copy on the board. Suddenly, the class erupts in laughter.)

Teacher: *giggling* “[Jock], can you read what you wrote?”

Jock: “Okay. Je n’aime pas cette émission parce que j’ai un petit pénis. What’s so funny?”

(It still took him a minute to realize that he had written that he didn’t like something because he had a small, ahem, member. I don’t recall him ever cheating again.)

(It’s our lunch break, and we’re sitting in a classroom eating. My friend is a vegetarian.)

Girl: “Hey, [Friend], can you eat potatoes?”

Friend: *stares awkwardly at girl*

Me: “Uh, yeah. Potatoes are a vegetable.”

Girl: “They are?!”

Me: “Well, they’re certainly not meat!”

(My economics class can be raucous at times. I am sitting Indian style (when you sit with your knees bent, legs crossed and feet resting against your thighs). A student is quite confused about the way I am sitting.)

Student: “Dude, how are you sitting like that?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Teacher: “What are you two talking about? You’re supposed to be taking notes.”

Student: “[My Name] is sitting weird.”

(The teacher walks over and notices my feet aren’t on the ground and currently are in my lap.)

Teacher: “Yeah, how do you put your feet like that, [My Name]?”

(I now have the entire class’s attention.)

Me: “Well…” *untucking both feet and putting them on the floor* “I start by crossing one leg. And then I put my second leg on top of the other. Voila, you’re done!”

(By the time I am finished everyone in the class is trying this, without success.)

Student: “Dude, how do you do that? Every time I try it hurts.”

Teacher: “Want to know what it looks like to me? It looks like he’s riding a magic carpet.”

(The first thing that pops in to my mind is the song ‘Magic Carpet Ride’ from ‘Aladdin.’ I start singing it to the teacher.)

Me: *horribly off key* “I can show you the world!”

(I freeze because I forget the rest of the words.)

Teacher: “Come on. You can keep singing.”

Me: “I forgot the words.”

Teacher: “So, you’re done, then?”

Me: “Yes.”

Teacher: “Okay, class. Back to work!”

(During middle school, during a game of ‘wall ball,’ I end up bouncing the ball off the wall, into my best friend’s face, and back to the wall multiple times. I was so stunned I didn’t say anything when he chased down another classmate. Five years later…)

Friend: “Hey, dude. Remember that game where I got hit in the face a lot?”

Me: “Yes, that was pretty bad luck.”

Friend: “Well, I was talking to [Classmate], and he says YOU are the one that threw the ball!”

Me: “… What?”

Friend: “Yeah. I thought it was him the entire time! Why didn’t you apologize?”

Me: “Dude, I’ve told you it was me five times now.”

Friend: “Really?”

Me: “Did you really forget again?”

Friend: “Shut up.”

Me: “How hard did I hit you with that ball?”

(When I start secondary school there’s a girl who likes to bother me: stealing my books, annoying me in lessons, etc. One day she comes up to me and grabs my hair, which is about waist length.)

Girl: “Woah, your hair is so funny!”

Me: “Let go of my hair, [Girl].”

Girl: *ignoring me* “I mean, how do you brush it? It’s really weird.”

(I remember at this point that I’m holding my pencil case. I take out my scissors and calmly cut off the chunk of hair she’s holding.)

Girl: *screams*

(She drops the hair immediately and runs off. After that she never bothered me again!)