(I’m at court filing documents for a client when I overhear a judge’s assistant speaking with a man waiting in the lobby behind me.)

JA: “I’m sorry, sir, but the judge isn’t willing to do anything about the towing costs.”

Defendant: “What?”

JA: “You’re going to have to pay these yourself.”

Defendant: “But… no! He can’t do that!”

JA: “Sir, there’s nothing he can do. He’s already waived all your court costs. The tow is your responsibility.”

Defendant: “But what about me going to jail over not paying these?!”

JA: “You have four outstanding warrants in three states! You were driving on a suspended license! You should have been arrested on the spot!”

Defendant: “But he has to make these go away or I’ll go to jail!”

JA: “Sir, you should BE in jail. We did not make you drive on a suspended license. I called the DMV and you’re even flagged in THEIR system! At some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. I really don’t know how you’re not in jail right now.”

Defendant: “FINE! But I’m still owed a bond by you people!”

JA: “Okay. I can get that to you, but that person is out today. Will you be in town tomorrow to pick it up or would you like me to mail it?”

Defendant: “Nah, I’ll just drive here.”

JA: “… You’ll… drive here? Yourself?”

Defendant: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

JA: “Sir, could you please take a seat? I’m going to need to grab somebody to come talk to you.”

Defendant: “Finally!”

(The clerk and I, who had been listening in disbelief the entire time, watch as the JA walked over to the bailiff and explained the situation. I left when the handcuffs came out.)

(As part of a college class we had to go to observe some criminal court proceedings. We attend a hearing where a private defense attorney is being incredibly rude to the prosecutor, who is a quiet, unassuming-looking middle-aged woman. At one point, he even calls her stupid. The prosecutor just ignores him. At end we get to ask some of the attorneys some questions, the rude defense attorney included.)

Defense Attorney: “Hey. What’d you think?”

Student #1: “You were a little rude.”

Defense Attorney: “That’s just how you’ve got to be. Anyway, I’ve got nothing to worry about! I’m up against a kindergarten teacher!”

Student #2: “Are you new here?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah, I just transferred from a firm in [other state].”

Student #1: “Oh.” *we all look at each other*

Student #2: “Have you heard of [high-profile murder case that resulted in a conviction]?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah.”

Student #2: “Well, the prosecutor you were being rude to was the lead prosecutor in that case. We came here specifically to observe her.”

Defense Attorney: *blushes* “Oh…”

(I have been summoned for jury duty and am going through the courthouse security checkpoint. As requested, I empty my pockets of all metallic objects, including my keys, before passing through the walk-through metal detector. When the guard sees my keychain he does a double-take with a quizzical look on his face.)

Me: “Oh, that strange-looking item is my keychain. It’s just a small electronic toy that resembles one of those communicators from the original Star Trek series. I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched it, but I assure you, this keychain is definitely not harmful.”

(Anxious to prove that the keychain wasn’t, in fact, a concealed weapon of some sort, I demonstrated to the guard that it just flipped open and made chirping noises that sounded just like the communicators from the show. As the guard observed this, his expression became overly serious, which worried me.)

Guard: “Here. I need to examine it more closely.”

(He motions for me to hand it over to him. After I comply, he flips it open and holds it up as though he is about to speak through it.)

Guard: “This is Captain James T. Kirk. Beam me up, Scotty!”

(I had worried for nothing! Furthermore, this put a big grin on my face and brightened up what was otherwise a long, dreary day in the jury room.)

This story is part of our ‘Star Trek’ roundup!

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(I am currently interning at a traffic court, and witness the following case.)

Judge: “Defendant is charged with reckless driving that caused an accident. How does she plead?”

Public Defender: “She pleads ‘insanity,’ Your Honor!”

(The public defender is full of gusto and it is obviously his first case. The defendant slowly looks at him like he’s a complete moron.)

Defendant: “…I plea no contest, Your Honor… There is no insanity plea in a traffic case.”

Judge: *to the public defender* “And the fact that the defendant is more aware of that than you are worries me.”

Public Defender: “Well, she had to have been insane when she was going 120 miles per hour in a 55—”

Judge: “Your job is to DEFEND her, not PROSECUTE her! Or do you need to go back to law school?”

(The defendant looks utterly appalled and shakes her head at the public defender.)

Defendant: “You’re fired.”

(I’m going past security at a courthouse.)

Guard #1: “Man, I could use some tacos. ”

Guard #2: “They do sound pretty good right now.”

Guard #1: *to me* “Hey Miss, don’t you think tacos sound good?'”

Me: “It’s 9 am. I think it’s a little early for tacos.”

Guard #1: *deadpan* “It’s never too early for tacos.”