Can’t Stomach Her Bedside Manner

(My sister, with whom I have a very playful and teasing relationship, is a doctor of osteopathy. I’d been having stomach pains for about a week, so I call her and tell her about it.)

Me: “I don’t know. My stomach just really hurts lately. I can’t even move enough to sit down without it killing me.”

Sister: “It’s probably just cramps.”

Me: “It’s definitely not cramps because moving just makes it worse.”

Sister: “Well, then it’s appendicitis.”

Me: “This has been going on for a week. Wouldn’t I be dead by now if it was?”

Sister: “I don’t know. Probably.”

Me: “Yeah, ’cause that’s real comforting. Any other ideas, Dr. I-Don’t-Know?”

Sister: “Yeah: take some ibuprofen and suck it up, wimp.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Golly, doc, your bedside manner sure is the tops. I feel so safe and cared for. You’re so compassionate.”

Sister: “Also loving. I’m all about love and compassion. Now, suck it up, you f****** baby.”