(We have been explaining to my friend’s three-year-old son about how Santa Claus has a list of good and bad children.)

Me: “So, he only visits the children who have been good.”

Friend: “So if you want Santa to visit you, what do you need to be?”

Friend’s Son: “Patient!”

(My wife gets PMS sometimes and has a tendency to make everything my fault. I don’t mind because I love her, but sometimes it gets out of hand. I have short, curly, black hair and my wife has very long red hair. As we’re eating dinner and watching TV, she makes an angry noise. When I look over to see why, she is scowling and stabbing her food harder than necessary.)

Me: “What’s the matter, love?! Are you okay?”

Wife: “I found a hair in my dinner. And I can’t even blame you because it’s one of mine!”

Me: “Oh, uh… I’m sorry?”

Wife: *mutters* “D*** straight you should be!”

(We are both sitting at our computers reading the latest updates on our feeds.)

Boyfriend: “Four of my feeds are about the man of steel!”

Me: “Who?”

Boyfriend: “Superman. His movie is called Man Of Steel.”

Me: “He is so not made of steel. He dies from standing too close to a rock.”

Boyfriend: “He is so the Man Of Steel! Kryptonite is from his home planet.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. So, you mean he was sent to this planet to become the man known as being made of steel, just because he was allergic to a fracking rock on his own planet?!”

Boyfriend: “…You would give Sheldon Cooper a brain haemorrhage.”

Sister: “Hey, what is the name of the Santa Claus in ‘Lord of the Rings’?”

(She meant Gandalf.)

(Being reasonably computer-savvy, I change the host name of my laptops to reflect the ‘name’ I give them. My last laptop’s hostname is ‘Franz,’ and my current laptop, which I got about three months ago, is named ‘Blaise.’ I am a single female. I am talking to my Dad.)

Me: “I don’t think I’ve been more than fifty feet from this computer for 24 hours in a row yet. Ever!”

(Dad and I start talking about my old computer, which I used for nearly eight years until it literally began falling apart at the seams.)

Me: “I don’t know about anyone else, but I hold onto my tech for years at a time because I get really emotionally attached to them. Nobody loves me like my computer does, it listens to me, cheers me up with music when I’m down, and knows all my secrets.”

Dad: “Yeah, Franz treated you well.”

Me: *sentimentally* “Yeah, he did.”

(I pick up my current laptop.)

Me: “But Blaise is the best digital boyfriend ever!” *hugs computer* “We’re one of those disgustingly cute, clingy couples!”