Very Low Key Driver

| Norway, Europe | Right | October 16, 2010

Caller: “Hi, I need help to open my car. The beeper doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, have you tried to see if the keys work?”

Caller: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The car keys. They’re attached to the beeper.”

Caller: “Uh… how do I use them?”

Me: “Just like you would unlock anything that’s closed.”

Caller: “I don’t understand. I need to open the door to my car. How do I use keys to do that?”

Me: “You uh… put the key in the keyhole, turn it around and open the door.”

Caller: *pause* “Oh! Do you mean like the same way you
open the door to a house?”

Me: “Yes, it’s quite similar to that.”

Caller: *very enthusiastic* “Wow, okay! I’ll try that! If that doesn’t work, I’ll call right back!”

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Loathe Of Bread

| Sydney, Australia | Right | October 15, 2010

(I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)

Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”

Customer: “How?”

Me: “This machine here will cut it.”

Customer: “You use a machine rather then cutting it by hand?!”

Me: “Yes sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”

Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a mans job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”

Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”

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On Completely Different Wavelengths

| Chesapeake, VA, USA | Right | October 15, 2010

(Note: the caller ID shows an out of town number.)

Caller: “Uh, hi. My room radio doesn’t work anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. What room are you in?”

Caller: “Oh, no, I’m at home! I took the radio home and now the buttons on top don’t work. It’s just fuzz! No music!”

Me: “Wait. So you stole a radio, took it home, and now you’re calling because the pre-assigned buttons don’t work?”

Caller: “Can you fix it or not?!”

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General Knowledge Generally Gets You In Trouble

| Seattle, WA | Right | October 15, 2010

Customer: “Hello, do you work here?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”

Customer: “Then why do you have so many books in your hands?”

Me: “I am about to purchase them.”

Customer: “You read?”

Me: “Yes”

Customer: “Then you must work here.”

Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t.”

Customer: *picking up one of the books in my arms* “J.D. Salinger? Who’s that?”

Me: “An author. He wrote Catcher in the Rye.”

Customer: “See! You do work here! You know what books he wrote!”

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Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Right | October 15, 2010

(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

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