With Thought, Care And Testosterone

| | Right | February 6, 2009

Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

Me: “That’s great to hear – if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

(I return with the cook.)

Me: “This is ****, and he is our head cook.”

Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously – where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love – it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook…sheesh.”

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An Inconvenient List of Truths

| | Right | February 5, 2009

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*

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Well, Aren’t You Special

| | Right | February 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pizza, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My order was just delivered, and it was wrong.”

Me: “Okay sir, I’m very sorry about that. What was the problem?”

Customer: “I ordered a 20 ounce drink with my order.”

Me: “And you didn’t get it?”

Customer: “No, I got a 2 liter drink.”

Me: “Sir… 2 liters is more than 20 ounces. I think most people would be happy to get more than what they paid for.”

Customer: “WELL, I’M NOT MOST PEOPLE!”

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Superman Goes Shopping

| | Right | February 5, 2009

(In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

Me: “May I see your card, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Your card is not signed sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir – I just have to check your ID then.”

Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

Me: “Okay then – I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

Customer: “Oh, well – it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

Customer: “What? It’s me!”

Me: “I know…it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

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On The Bright Side, She Never Gets Brain Freezes

| | Right | February 5, 2009

(The lunch rush has just come and gone, and now the early release seniors from the local high school are trickling in.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to ***.”

Blonde customer: “Mmm… I think I’ll try the Mahalo Mango today.”

Redhead customer: “Oooh. I heard mangoes are kinda bitter.”

Blonde customer: “Ew… like, can I get that without mango then?”

Me: “Would you rather the Power Pineapple? It’s the same smoothie, just pineapple instead of mango.”

Blonde customer: “No, I want to try something new… so, yeah. Mahalo Mango without the mango.”

Me: “Okay… what would you like instead of the mango?”

Blonde customer: “Um… can I get pineapple?”

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