I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

| | Right | June 27, 2008

(I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

Me: ¬†”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

(A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

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A Sticky Situation

| | Right | June 27, 2008

(Ever wonder why you can’t buy gum at a movie theater? Patrons plaster their used gum *everywhere.* An assistant manager I worked with knew exactly how to get the point across.)

Movie theater patron: “Do you carry any gum?”

Assistant Manager: *low growl* “Gum… is our enemy.”

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Leonard Is Rolling Over In His Grave

| | Right | June 27, 2008

(An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

Old lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

(I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely…)

Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

Old lady, sadly: “It was Leonard.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

Old lady, now indignant: “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!

 

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All Hail Wikipedia

| | Right | June 27, 2008

(A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

Me: “Just a second.”

(At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

Customer: “Please stop.”

Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

(I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

Puzzle on Wikipedia

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Back In My Day, We Walked Barefoot, Backwards And Buck Naked

| | Right | June 26, 2008

(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried Best Buy across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there, I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

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