Overutilized Word, Underutilized Noggin

| | Right | July 1, 2008

(This happened at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. We had received copies of the older three so people could get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “Alright, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “… so, what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using 5-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We give him the number for our regional manager. We hear the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

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Caught Brown Handed

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

Daughter: “Um, mum…”

Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

(Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

(Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

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Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

Hotel Guest:¬†”What is that sound?”

Me:¬†”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.”

Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

Hotel Guest:¬†”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!”

Me: *bangs head on the counter*

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Water You, Stupid

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

Me: “Whose bag is this?”

Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

(I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

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Buuuurn

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

(He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

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