A Law Degree In Second-Degree Burns

| | Right | February 11, 2009

(Our convenience store is on a college campus, and we have five different kinds of coffee in self-serve urns).

Customer: “Wow, this coffee is really hot!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “What if I spill it or something? I could get burned!”

Me: “Well, yes. But it’s coffee. Coffee is usually hot.”

Customer: “Well, I could sue you, you know. I heard about a woman who sued because the coffee burned her.”

Me: “I don’t know that you could, actually. That was–”

Customer: *interrupting* “Yeah, but I don’t see any signs.”

(I point to large signs on all the coffee urns saying “Caution: Contents HOT“.)

Customer: “I could still sue.”

Me: “Yeah, but you’re a college student. We assume you can read.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Betcha I could prove I can’t!”

Me: “…”

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Steam Cleaner On Elm Street

| | Right | February 10, 2009

Customer: ¬†”Can you show me where the carpet cleaning stuff is?”

Me: ¬†”Sure, right here.” *leads him to the aisle*

Customer: ¬†”Which one is good for getting blood out of carpet?”

Me: “Well, this brand works well for spots. How much blood are we talkin’ here?”

Customer: ¬†”About a bucket full…”

Me: “You may want to rent a carpet cleaner…”

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On The Politically Proper Placement of Puzzles

, | | Right | February 10, 2009

Customer: “THIS STORE IS RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST!”

Me: *confused* “Um… why?”

Customer: “Your Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf! I demand to speak to your manager!

Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m the manager on duty.”

Customer: “This is an insult to me that your Native American puzzles are on the lower shelf. This is racism!”

Me: “So, I’m a racist because the Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf…”

(I look at the shelf and notice some animal puzzles on the very bottom shelf.)

Me: “Well, I hope PETA doesn’t find these puppy puzzles down here then.”

Customer: *storms off*

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Stairway To Nowhere

| | Right | February 10, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

Me: “Ah, well ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

Customer: “Yes you do, I’ve shopped here for 5 years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

Customer: “YES YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened 10 years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

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Jonesin’ For Some Pepperoni

, | | Right | February 10, 2009

(An older lady called in to comment about the sauce of one of our most popular pizzas.)

Customer: “It’s as though you people put crack in it!”

Me: *laughs* “It is pretty good…”

Customer: “So, do you?”

Me: “Do we… what?”

Customer: “Put crack in it.”

Me: “…are you asking if we put cocaine in our pizza sauce?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “No. I’m pretty sure they stopped putting drugs like that into food and medicine by the 1940s.”

Customer: “Oh. Really? Because it would explain a lot. I just can’t stop eating this pizza!”

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