Neither A Lounge Recliner Nor A Borrower Be

| | Right | September 8, 2009

(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

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Bird Brained, Part 4

| | Right | September 8, 2009

(I have just finished talking to a group of people at the penguin exhibit when a middle-age man approaches me.)

Customer: “I really love penguins. My wife and I saw some on our trip to Alaska last summer.”

Me: “Oh, did you go to the Alaskan Sea Life Center? I hear it’s very nice.”

Customer: “No, we saw them when we were walking on the beach.”

Me: “Actually, sir, wild penguins only live in the southern hemisphere. What you and your wife saw were most likely puffins. They look very similar to penguins, but they can fly and are commonly seen in places like Alaska.”

Customer: “No, they were penguins. I’m not stupid! I think I know a penguin when it flies right in front of me.”

Me: “Penguins can’t fly, sir.”

Customer: “All birds fly!”

Me: “No, not all of them. Ostriches, for example, can’t fly either.”

Customer: “Ostriches are birds?”

 

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A Dollar In The Hand Is Worth Zero In The Wallet

| | Right | September 7, 2009

Me: “Your total is $10.27, ma’am.”

Customer: *waves a piece of paper* “Is this a coupon?”

Me: “Not exactly. If you put your email address on it, we’ll send it to corporate and they’ll send you store updates, which will also have a coupon in the first email you receive.”

Customer: “Oh, great! Thanks!” *turns to leave*

Me: “Ma’am, you still need to pay.”

Customer: “I just did.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Customer: “No?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you didn’t. Your total is $10.27.”

Customer: “Well, now I know I paid! I remember you saying $10.27 before.”

Me: “Yes, I did, but you didn’t pay me the last time I said it, either.”

Customer: “So, you know what that means?” *reaches for her unpaid items*

Me: *takes back her unpaid items* “…that you can’t have this until you pay for it?”

Customer: “I’m never shopping here again!”

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Putting The Why In The Y-Chromosome

| | Right | September 7, 2009

(A man calls about his phone line that’s not working. After some checks, it’s clear that the fault is somewhere in our network.)

Me: Alright sir, I’ll open up a support ticket and put it through to our engineers. They’ll fix it for you.”

Male caller: “They oughta fix it soon, because my mother is very ill and in the hospital. I want to be able to be called by the doctors.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. These problems are normally solved pretty quickly, but I’ll make a note of it so that our engineers will give it a higher priority.”

Male caller: “You’d better do that!”

(We end the call and I put the request through. When I check the ticket a day later, I see it has been solved about two hours after the initial call. As part of standard procedure I call the man back. This time, a lady answers the phone.)

Me: “I’m calling you about the trouble you had regarding your phone line. Someone else called about this yesterday and I wanted to ask if everything was take care of well.”

Female caller: “Oh, it must have been my son who called about that. Well, everything was solved, and pretty quick too.”

Me: “Your son? I’m glad to hear you’re out of the hospital already.”

Female caller: “In the hospital? What are you talking about?”

Me: “Your son said you were very ill.”

Female caller: “That liar! He told me he had a trick he uses to get problems like these. He does this all the time. I’ll make sure he won’t do this again!”

Me: “Okay. Well, have a nice day then.”

Female caller: “You too, and I’m sorry about my son. He just looks like his father, that’s all!”

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Feeling Fuel-ish

| Right | September 7, 2009

(At the petrol station where I work, a customer comes barging into the store.)

Customer: “There’s $20 on my pump and I haven’t put any petrol in!”

Me: “What’s the problem exactly?”

Customer: “I haven’t put any petrol in but the pump says $20.”

Me: “Oh, that will be the sale from the last person who used the pump. It’s fine.”

Customer: “But there’s $20 on the pump, I’m not paying for their petrol. Why’s it not on zero?”

Me: Don’t worry, it resets itself.”

Customer: “But it says $20, not zero. It hasn’t reset.”

Me: “Yes it has. Look I’ll show you.”

(I walk out to her pump with the customer behind me. Picking up the pump, the counters reset themselves to zero.)

Customer: “Oh…I’m not usually that stupid.”

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