They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

| | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is ****.”

Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

Me: “Are you **** of **** Street?”

Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

Me: “For what, sir?”

Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

(I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

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Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “I… I’m not–”

Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

Me: “I’m not sure what–”

Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

(There is a long pause.)

Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

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It’s A Miracle She’s Still On The Ground…

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(A very angry customer storms up to the counter at the party shop I was working at.)

Customer: “These balloons are no good! I spent all afternoon blowing them up, and none of them will float!”

Me: “What did you fill them with?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I just blew them up, and none of them will float.”

Me: “Did you fill them with air or helium?”

Customer: “Air.”

Me: “They won’t float unless you use a helium tank.”

Customer: “NO! Look, it says on the packet, ‘Helium Balloons’.”

Me: “…”

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These Aren’t Your Parents’ ET-Murdering Games

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(I was a customer watching this exchange. A customer walked up to the counter with his young child to purchase Halo 3.)

Cashier 1: “Just to check, you know this game is rated ‘M’, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Cashier 1: “Sorry, just have to check, part of the job.”

Customer: “What good is that for?”

Cashier 2: “It’s just to prevent minors from playing games with violent or mature content, unless parents are OK with it.”

Customer: “Well that’s stupid.”

Cashier 2: “It’s required by law. If we don’t check, we could lose our job. It’s a violent game – shooting aliens, blood, etc.”

Customer: “I’ve been shooting aliens since I was 12!”

Cashier 1: “Well, it’s our job and we have to do it.”

Customer: *storms out with the child* “Thanks for nothing!”

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Parents, The Gateway Drug

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(A man and woman with a 10-year old kid came up to my counter to rent Grand Theft Auto 4.)

Me: “You know, this game is rated and M and generally not considered a good choice for young children.”

Parent: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “Just saying… some parents don’t know I just wanted to make sure.”

Parent: “Pfft… like I care about that. You’re going to be a boring parent!”

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