Drinking Responsibly

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Right | July 26, 2013

(While perusing the selection of beer at my local grocery store, I cannot help but notice the enormous, brightly-colored signs posted on every available surface which proclaim: “WE CARD EVERYONE”. After choosing what I want, I head for the checkout, being sure to get my ID out along with my credit card.)

Me: “Just this, thanks.”

(The employee looks at me nervously. I’m 29, but look a good bit younger.)

Employee: “Now because this is alcoholic, ma’am, I am going to need to see your ID.”

Me: “Of course, got it right here.”

(The employee blinks in surprise, then smiles enormously and happily rings up my six-pack of hard cider.)

Me: “Do people really give you that hard a time about this? You have huge red and yellow signs EVERYWHERE. Not to mention it’s kind of, you know, the law?”

Employee: “Honey, you have no idea. Thank you for being smart. Here’s your receipt, and I hope you really enjoy that!”

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Have Your Cake And Eat It

| Canada | Right | July 25, 2013

(I am working the counter at a bakery. An older customer comes up to order.)

Customer: “Hi, can I get a chocolate croissant and red velvet cupcake please?”

Me: “Oh, good choices! The red velvet cupcake is my favorite. I was actually going to get one on my break.”

(I go to grab his order, and realize there’s only one cupcake left.)

Me: “Lucky you, you got the last one!”

Customer: “Oh… are you sure you don’t want it? I can get something else.”

Me: “It’s okay, sir; that’s just the luck of the draw I guess.”

(He reluctantly accepts. Once he pays for his food, he takes the cupcake and puts in on the counter.)

Customer: “For you, my dear.”

Me: “What? No sir, it’s really okay. I can always get one tomorrow!”

Customer: “Well, I’m leaving it on the counter and walking away. What you do with it is up to you. Have a good day!”

(True to his word, he leaves the store. I have to say it was the best cupcake I ever had!)

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Job Unap-para-ent

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Right | July 25, 2013

(I am a paralegal. Paralegals are trained in the law, but they are not lawyers, and are prohibited from giving legal advice. I am also a young woman. I am helping two elderly clients when this happens.)

Me: “Hello, clients! I’m the attorney’s paralegal, and I will be assisting today.”

Client: “Oh, I see. So…”

(The client proceeds to ask a question that would clearly be the practice of law if I answered it.)

Me: “We’ll have to ask the attorney on that one. That goes out of scope for me as a paralegal.”

Client: “What do you mean? I thought you were just like him! Why can’t you answer my questions?”

Me: “I’m a paralegal, sir, not a lawyer.”

Client: “Oh. I thought that was what they called lady lawyers… paralegals.”

Me: “Um, nope. Paralegals do a lot of legal work, we set appoints, do research and writing, and a good deal of interviewing, but we don’t represent people in court or give legal advice.”

Client: “SO you’re basically a glorified secretary?”

(I breathe a deep sigh, as I have a two year degree in legal studies.)

Me: “If that helps you understand it, then yes, I suppose so.”

(Note: A paralegal is NOTHING like a secretary. NOTHING.)

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Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Right | July 25, 2013

(I am a customer browsing at a local game store, I witness an exchange between a mother and her young son, who appears to be about eight years old. The son is trying to get his mother to buy him a copy of ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’.)

Son: “Mom, can we get this?”

Mother: “I’m not getting you that game.”

Son: “Pleeeaase?”

Mother: “No, it’s too graphic.”

Son: “It’s only 30 bucks!”

Mother: “Is there violence?”

Employee & I: “Yep.”

Mother: “Is there shooting?”

Employee & I: “Yep.”

Mother: “Is there blood?”

Employee & I: “Yep.”

Mother: “Then I’m not getting it for you.”

Son: “But I want it!”

Mother: “No, because you’re going to go to Uncle and tell him about how I got you Call of Duty: Black Ops, and then I’m going to be in trouble.”

Son: “I can just have Uncle turn the sound off the TV so I won’t hear any bad words.”

Mother: “What does that have to do with anything? Honey, it’s not the bad words I’m worried about, it’s the violence and shooting and blood!”

Son: “I swear I won’t tell Uncle!”

Mother: “No, I’m not getting you that game!”

Son: *sees ‘Grand Theft Auto IV’* “Can we get this?”

Mother: “That doesn’t look like the one we have at the house. Sure, I’ll get that for you…”

Related:
Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
Grand Theft Innocence

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Don’t Get The Hump

| Boise, ID, USA | Right | July 25, 2013

(I work for an exotic petting zoo. Every Halloween, for several years, we set up our petting zoo at a maze. This particular year, I am in charge of answering questions people have about the animals. I am standing in front of the Bactrian camel—or two-humped camel&mdsh; because I am bottle feeding him. A guest walks up to the pen with two young boys in tow.)

Guest: “Look, kids, you see those humps? That’s where camels store all their water so they don’t get thirsty!”

Me: “Actually, sir, the camel stores fat in his humps. The reason camels can go so long without water is because their red blood cells are shaped like an oval, instead of ours which are circular. The shape allows the camel to hold more water in his bloodstream without bursting his blood cells.”

Guest: “You see, kids! I told you camels store water in their humps! Let’s go look at the llamas. Make sure they don’t spit on you!”

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