Green Eyes Don’t Get You The Green

| TN, USA | Right | March 25, 2014

(I am keying in banking and income information for a customer who really wants to borrow 200 dollars.)

Me: “Congratulations! You’ve been approved for $150 today!”

Customer: “Oh, man! Thanks! Did you know you have the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen, young lady?”

Me: “Thank you so much, but our loans are computer generated amounts based on your income and banking information. I can’t approve for more than the $150.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, they aren’t that pretty after all.”

Me: *just staring at him* “Umm?”

Customer: “That came out wrong.”

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They Should Screen Customers Like This

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Right | March 25, 2014

(We have a touch screen tablet/kiosk in store that allows you to create a playlist for making custom CDs. One day, a man is shouting and punching the screen trying to get it to work. I come over to help him.)

Customer: “This f****** thing is broken. It won’t accept any of the letters when I press them!”

Me: “Please be gentle with the device. I’ll show you how easy it is to use.”

(I show him, and after a few minutes he tries again, pressing the space between the letters instead of any actual letters.)

Customer: “Your cheap-a** tablet is the reason I can’t figure it out!”

(I just stand there letting him vent, all while finishing his list of songs. When it is done he wants to enter his name, and goes back to jamming the screen with his finger and cursing loudly.)

Me: “I will finish it for you. The total will be [total].

Customer: “That’s way too expensive! Never mind.”

(The customer then just simply walks away. I turn around to see my coworkers laughing at me. Great days in retail!)

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Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength, Part Two

, | Australia | Right | March 25, 2014

(I work in the sporting department with another coworker. A customer comes up.)

Customer: “Hey, uh, do you have that thing? Where you put stuff in the thing and the thing turns it?”

(My coworker and I exchange confused glances.)

Me: “Sorry. What do you mean?”

Customer: *attempting to use confusing hand gestures* “You know, that thing where you put the stuff in the thing, and it turns and gets hot?”

Coworker: “You mean a microwave?”

Related:
Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength

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They’ll Toast To That

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | March 25, 2014

(I am standing in line at a well-known coffee shop, fairly early in the morning. I hear this exchange between an employee and the customer in front of me.)

Customer: “Hi. Could I get a large coffee toasted with butter?”

Employee: “… Sorry?”

(The employee looks like she is trying not to laugh, when the customer suddenly notices what she’s said.)

Customer: “No! Wait! I mean a large coffee and a BAGEL toasted with butter.”

(They both burst out laughing.)

Customer: “Sorry, it’s early. Although if you’re willing to try and toast a coffee with butter, I’ll pay just to see how it turns out!”

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One Is In Sickness, The Other Is in Health

| France | Right | March 25, 2014

(I am returning to a patient after we have received a call from his worried wife.)

Me: “Okay. So, we got your wife on the phone—”

Patient: “Which one?”

Me: “Which one what?”

Patient: “Which wife. I have two at the moment. She didn’t say her name?”

Me: “… No. She just said she was your wife.”

Patient: “D***.”

Me: “…”

Me: “Well, at least one of your wives is worried about you, sir.”

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