Snakes Like To Vegetate After A Meal

| Gladstone, MO, USA | Right | December 11, 2013

(I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them, and be pink or purple.”

Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably 40 leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

Customer #2: “Are you deaf!? We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

(The ‘lizard’ they are talking about is in fact a 14 ft Burmese python, which is about 20 ft away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

(In a huff, Customer #1 leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off 10-15 leashes, knocking probably 30 more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next 30 minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet! That’s so nasty!”

Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice!? Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All vegetable dog food!”

Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

Customer #2: “So you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs, you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

(Customer #2 gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

(Customer #2 gestures to her poodle.)

Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

(They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

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Kill Bill

| Italy | Right | December 10, 2013

(My sister and I co-own a gas station. She usually mans the full service pump, while I follow the back office stuff. She calls me over while with a customer.)

Me: “Yes. How can I be of help?”

(My sister hands me a clearly false €20 bill.)

Sister: “I exchanged his €50 bill for two €20 bills and one €10 at his request, so he could do 20 on the self service. Now he’s here claiming the self service machine doesn’t accept this bill. He wants it exchanged with another 20€ bill.”

Customer: *smugly* “I’m sorry. I know these machine sometimes are difficult, right?”

Me: “No problem.”

(I take the false €20 bill and hand it back to the customer.)

Me: “Keep this one. Just use the other one you got from your €50 bill!”

(The scamming customer tries to open his mouth to say something, then goes back to the self service machine. I follow him. He again tries the false bill.)

Customer: “It doesn’t work!”

Me: *with a smile* “Use the other one.”

(The customer reluctantly uses a good 20€ bill. He pumps the gas, and leaves without a word.)

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Toying With The Public

| AB, Canada | Right | December 10, 2013

(I work for the municipal division of a road construction company. One part of my job is going out to sites, once the job has been completed, to take measurements for our quantities reports. To do this I use a measuring wheel tool. I am out measuring a sidewalk that has just been completed.)

Pedestrian: “Aren’t you a little old to be playing with children’s toys?”

Me: *confused* “Pardon?”

Pedestrian: *gestures at the wheel* “That’s a toy for toddlers! With those bright colours and all the noise it makes!”

(The wheel is fluorescent orange and black, and makes a ticking noise as the number of meters roll up.)

Me: “Well, first, I’d like to say that you are never too old to play with toys. Second, this is a measuring wheel, and I am using it to record my company’s final quantities on the city sidewalk program. It’s a tool, not a toy.”

Pedestrian: “What a horrible liar you are! Let’s see what your boss has to say about you playing with some kid’s toy on the job AND lying!”

(With that she storms off. I continue my work. When I return to the office later that day my safety manager calls me to her office, as she deals with complaints. She was crying from laughing so hard.)

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Not Just The Cream Turning Sour

| Wichita, KS, USA | Right | December 10, 2013

(This week, we’re running a deal on a certain brand of sour cream. A customer starts loading her groceries onto the belt.)

Me: “Hi! Is that it for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, dear! That’s all.”

(I make small talk with her while I’m ringing her out. Then I notice that she has two tubs of the sour cream on sale.)

Me: “I have some good news! We’re running an awesome special on this sour cream right now. If you want to grab another one, it’ll be free.”

(The customer freezes and stares at me, her eyes wide.)

Customer: “…excuse me?”

Me: “Er, it’s three-for-two? We have a refurbi—”

Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

(I ring my manager immediately, because her transformation was, frankly, terrifying.)

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “This little c*** tried to charge me for three tubs of sour cream! Do you treat all of your customers this way? Do you ENJOY ripping people OFF and GUTTING THEM of their HARD-EARNED MONEY?”

Manager: *turns to me* “What?”

Me: “The three-for-two!” *I turn to the customer again* “Ma’am, I was trying to explain that you can get three for the price of two.”

Customer: “C***! You just enjoy watching other people’s money get snatched away. You don’t care.”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise. I wasn’t—”

Manager: “Okay, okay. Everyone calm down.”

(My manager nudges me toward the break room.)

Manager: “I’ll finish up here.”

(The customer shrieks as I make my way to the break room, demanding that I be prosecuted for larceny and threatening to call the police. Even when I am in the break room, I can still hear her. I call my girlfriend, hoping she can calm me down. My girlfriend also works in the store.)

Girlfriend: “Wait. Wait. Does this woman have purple glasses?”

Me: “…yes.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God. Yeah, babe. I’m gonna go out and buy you a nice bottle of wine; how’s that?”

(As it turns out, that woman had gone off on three other employees, including my girlfriend, on our old manager’s watch. She had been banned from the store until our new manager was hired. She actually tried to sue one of the cashiers for larceny!)

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Can’t Pin Him Down To A Number, Part 2

| QC, Canada | Right | December 10, 2013

(It’s Friday afternoon, and I am a customer waiting for my prescriptions in the waiting area of my pharmacy. The customer ahead of me, a gruff older man, is getting upset with the cashier over a problem with the card reader.)

Customer: “I’m telling you, it’s not my card. It’s your machine!”

Cashier: “Sir, you have to enter your PIN correctly—”

Customer: “I KNOW how to enter my PIN! Your machines are wrong! This doesn’t happen to me anywhere else.”

Cashier: “I don’t know what to tell you, sir. My machine has been functioning properly all day. Your transaction failed after you entered your PIN. Would you like to try it again?”

Customer: “If I try it again, you better MAKE it work right! [Financial Institution] is going to freeze my card if I keep trying. I’m going away for the weekend so I NEED my card to work!”

Cashier: “Well, I can’t put in your PIN for you, sir. So I can’t guarantee you it will work.”

Customer: “This has happened the last two times I’ve been in here! I’ve been a customer here for 30 years and you’re saying it’s MY fault? Your machines are wrong! And now my card is going to be frozen until Monday!”

Cashier: “I don’t know what else to tell you, sir. Let me get my manager.”

(The cashier pages the manager, who arrives promptly.)

Manager: “I understand there’s some trouble with your card, sir?”

Customer: “The machine is messing up. It’s NOT my PIN. My card is going to be frozen and I’m going away this weekend!”

Manager: “I understand, sir. If you have time to wait, I’ll call [Financial Institution, which is also responsible for card reader] and try to find out what’s going on.”

(My manager dials the phone and explains the situation to tech support.)

Manager: *on phone* “Uh-huh. I see.”

Customer: “Ask them if my card is frozen!”

Manager: *on phone* “So there’s no problem with our system? Alright. Thank you.”

Customer: “Oh, wait. My PIN on this card is five digits. I only entered four!”

Related:
Can’t Pin Him Down To A Number

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