Only Your Pen Required

| IL, USA | Right | April 25, 2014

(I work in an office where I assist clients with their paperwork. I am helping a male customer complete some forms.)

Me: “All right. Now, we just need you to sign this form at the bottom here, and we’re done.”

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: *trying to be friendly* “Just sign here, please. We need your John Hancock.”

Customer: “John Hancock?”

Me: “Uh, yes. You know, your signature? Like the guy who signed the Constitution.”

Customer: “Oh! You want me to sign it. Okay! You know, the first time someone asked me for my John Hancock, I thought they were talking about my…” *he gestures to his groin*

Me: *quickly* “Oh… oh! No, no, sir! We just need your signature and that’s all!”

Customer: *laughing* “Yeah, I was pretty confused!”

Me: *quickly wrapping up his paperwork and not wanting to hear how that story ended* “Yes, sir. Well, you’re all done here. Have a great day!”

Underwear Scare

| Duluth, MN, USA | Right | April 25, 2014

Customer: “Excuse me? I need to get some underwear. I know what I want, but I can’t find it.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Can you describe the brand to me?”

Customer: “Well, actually, I’m wearing it right now. Could you just look at it and tell me if you have it?”

(At this point, in the middle of the sales floor, she literally UNZIPS her pants, pushes them down a little, and pulls out the tag.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am really not comfortable doing this. If you could go into a fitting room and write down the information on the tag, I would be happy to help you.”

Customer: “No, just read the tag! It’s right here!”

(I’m backing away, and she actually manages to CORNER me.)

Me: “Ma’am, I would have to touch your underwear in order to do that. I’m really not comfortable with that while it’s ON YOUR BODY.”

Customer: “I don’t see what the big deal is! REACH IN THERE AND READ THE TAG!”

Me: *squinting and pretending to read, lying through my teeth* “You know what? I think we discontinued that brand a while back. We don’t have this anymore.”

Customer: “Oh really? That’s a shame. I always liked this underwear.”

Me: “Yeah, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well… have you met Jesus yet?”

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Needs To Pour Oil Over Troubled Water

| LA, USA | Right | April 25, 2014

Customer: “I need to know where the motor oil is.”

(I tell her, but she comes back to the counter with a bottle of transmission fluid.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not oil. It’s transmission fluid.”

Customer: “What do you know about it? You’re a girl. Just ring me up.”

(I ring her up. She pays and goes outside, pops the hood of her car, and gets on the phone. Two minutes later, she’s back.)

Customer: “I needed oil. You sold me the wrong thing. I need to exchange this.”

Me: “Okay. Do you need some help? It’s slow. I can do this for you.”

Customer: “What, do you think you know about cars? I’m on the phone with my husband and he knows more about it than you do. Just do the d*** exchange so I can get some oil.”

(I do the exchange. She comes back up with oil.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s 50 weight. You don’t want that, you want 40 weight.”

Customer: “This is what my husband said to get.”

Me: “Oookay. Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to help?”

Customer: “No. You’re a girl and you don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband works for [Company] and he knows way more about it than some clerk!”

Me: “Well, maybe he does, Ma’am, but he’s not here.”

Customer: “Just ring me up.”

Me: “Okay, if you’re sure you don’t need help.”

Customer: “I don’t need your help.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. You have a nice day, now.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(I watch through the front window as she went back to her SUV and smugly poured her oil… into her radiator. I wonder what her husband said when her engine blew up halfway across the causeway.)

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Not Being Very Adult About It

| Pasadena, MD, USA | Right | April 25, 2014

(I work at an adult themed store. We close at 10 pm and I have just locked the doors. I have two friends waiting for me in the parking lot, and we start having a conversation. Before we know it, we have been standing around talking for two hours, when a guy in a truck pulls up and gets out of his car.)

Customer: *pulling on door* “Aw, are you guys closed?”

Me: “Yeah, we closed two hours ago.”

Customer: “Well, can you open real quick? I need to buy something.”

Me: “No, we closed two hours ago. If it was really important you would have come in earlier.”

Customer: “But it IS important! You should open and let me buy something!”

Me: “Dude, this is a PORN store. It’s not life threatening, so, no I will not be opening. Buy your sexy-time things elsewhere.”

Customer: *slinks off embarrassed*

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Asking Ballsy Questions

| Roseville, CA, USA | Right | April 24, 2014

Female Customer: “I’d like to return these men’s underwear.”

Return Counter Clerk: “That’s fine. Was there something wrong with them?”

Female Customer: *with a totally straight face* “My husband says his balls keep falling out of them.”

(No further questions!)

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