Not In Anyone’s Good Books

| Bridgeport, CT, USA | Right | July 1, 2014

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I have a constitutional right to have my late fee waived!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Please be advised that your payment didn’t post until five days after the due date, so the late fee is valid.”

Caller: “Sir, do you realize that ‘The Good Book’ says you must forgive those of their transgressions?”

Me: “Yes, I do. Please be advised that same book also says, ‘You reap what you sow.’ Sorry, but the late fee is valid.”

Caller: “I suppose you’re going to tell me that the credit card agreement prevents you from doing that and that its my responsibility to have read it?”

Me: “Correct.”

Caller: “You know what… GO F*** YOURSELF!”

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Not Going To Put The Matter To Bed

| NS, Canada | Right | July 1, 2014

(It is the day before Mother’s Day. A little boy, around seven or eight years old, comes up with his dad to buy a cake and a card.)

Me: *to the boy* “So, are you going to make breakfast in bed for your mom tomorrow?”

Boy: *in awe, with wide eyes* “How did you know I was gonna do that?”

Me: “I’m psychic!”

(At this point the dad has just finished paying, and as they are walking away I hear this:)

Boy: *to his dad, still in awe* “But, Dad! How did she know I was gonna do that?”

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Exposed For What It Really Is

| CA, USA | Right | June 30, 2014

(I’m working the opening shift at a chain coffee shop. It’s six am and I’m prepping for the morning rush at the bar.)

Female Customer: *quietly and embarrassed* “Hi. So, that man sitting outside by the window over there… I think he has his penis outside of his pants.”

(I look over and it’s a regular customer who pops in throughout the day. I turn back to her.)

Me: “Him, over there?”

Female Customer: ” Yes. I don’t know if maybe a male employee can go check and see?”

(I summon my male shift lead, who is confused at the accusation.)

Me: “If it’s true, I don’t want to know that much about him. Will you take a peek so I can help this woman feel, you know, not sexually harassed?”

(He reluctantly goes outside and talks to our regular and quickly heads back inside holding back a smile.)

Shift Lead: “He’s holding his sunglasses case in his lap.”

(The case was the exact same color as his skin tone. We told him about it later and all cracked up.)

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Some Employees Never Grow Up

| Seattle, WA, USA | Right | June 30, 2014

(When employees forget their name tags we have temporary tags for them to write their name on and stick them to their shirts. One day I forget my tag, so I grab a temporary one and write ‘Smee’ as my name. I am called to assist an older couple with an issue at a register. After the issue is taken care of the conversation goes as follows:)

Wife: “Smee? What kind of name is that?”

Me: “Oh, it’s an old family name. Goes back many generations.”

Wife:  “Really? Is it European?”

Me:  “English, actually. It started with a famous relative.”

Wife:  “Oh, how famous?

(The husband turns away and suppresses a laugh and smile.)

Me: “Well I had a great, great, great, great, great uncle who sailed with a famous sea captain as his first mate.”

Wife:  “Really? What sea captain was that?”

Me:  “Oh, you know, Captain Hook!”

(The husband cracks up.)

Wife:  “Oh, my. Wait. Who?”

(At this point I got called away to another register. As I left the husband and the cashier were laughing and the wife was asking who Captain Hook is.)

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Bugging Out About It

| NE, USA | Right | June 30, 2014

(We always know in the summer rental cars will come back with lots of dead bugs on the front bumper and windshield. This was a joke we used frequently.)

Me: “Wow, looks like you hit a lot of bugs on the road out there!”

Customer: “Yeah. I was out on a lot of country roads.”

Me: “You know it’s a $1 per bug cleaning charge, right?”

Customer: *immediately irate, stands up in a huff* “THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS. I WILL NOT PAY THAT! I WANT TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Whoa. Just a little joke, sir.”

Customer: *sitting down, still upset* “Well, that’s stupid. And not funny.

(I stopped telling the bug joke after that…)

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