Victim Of A Crazy Mugging

(We have a staff break room near the bathrooms. Customers accidentally walk into it all the time, so we get a very big sign that says ‘Staff Only — Please Do Not Enter.’ One day, I hear several very loud noises coming from the staff break room. I go to investigate.)

Me: “Is everything okay in here?”

(I look around to utter chaos. Tea and coffee has been thrown all around the room. Milk has been poured on the counter, and the water jug is on the floor. Oddest of all, the fridge door is wide open, and the shelves have been neatly removed and stacked on top of the table. In the middle of all of it is sitting a very well-dressed, middle-aged woman. She is sipping coffee out of my personal coffee mug.)

Me: “I… um… excuse me, ma’am?”

(She looks up with a lovely smile, and goes back to sipping coffee.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to… um—”

(She stares at me for a very long time, then goes back to her coffee.)

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, ma’am. This is a staff only area.”

(She smiles, and starts talking in a very fake British accent.)

Customer: “Oh, you know. I just wanted a coffee.”

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside of this room. It’s for staff only.”

Customer: “But… my coffee?”

Me: “It’s okay, take it around the shop with you. I’ll even put it into a take-away cup for you.”

(I offer to take back my mug. Her smile turns to a horrible scowl.)

Customer: “MY cup!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s mine. Now, I need you to leave this area before I call security.”

Customer: “Oh!”

(Smiling again, she gets up and walks out of the room. She then turns around, shrieks, and hurls the cup at me, where it smashes at my feet.)

Customer: “MY CUP! MY COFFEE!”

(I called security. She went on a rampage, trying to smash everything in sight. She even bit the security guard. They had to call the police, because they couldn’t restrain her. I guess some people really do need coffee to be human.)