The Devil Has His Eye On You

(Recently, severe eye strain has caused a couple of blood vessels in my eyes to burst, turning the white areas completely red. Naturally, this is extremely creepy. The doctor says it’ll stay this way for several weeks, heal on its own, and eventually return to normal. Until then, I look bizarre and am forced to walk around like this. I stop at the fountain to make a call that an old man and woman approach me. The old woman clicks her tongue.)

Woman: “Oh, you poor dear. That’s horrible.”

Me: “Oh, it doesn’t hurt or anything. It’s just temporary.”

Woman: “Oh, no, it’s not temporary. Once you’ve got it, it’s hooked in you.”

Me: *thoroughly confused* “Huh?”

Woman: “Dear, you need to have that dealt with before it gets worse.”

Me: “There’s really nothing they can do for it. It’ll heal on its own.”

(The old man suddenly grabs my shoulders and SHOVES me back into the fountain, dunking me under the water and holding me there. I can vaguely hear him yelling something as I’m struggling to break the surface and kicking furiously at him. Now, the old woman is helping hold me down and I can see the outlines of other people grabbing at them, trying to pry them off of me. Finally, I’m pulled out of the fountain by a younger woman. She drags me away while the old man is yelling.)

Man: “I HAVE BAPTIZED THEE IN THE NAME OF THY LORD JESUS! BEGONE, FOUL DEVIL!”

Bystander: “ARE YOU TWO COMPLETE IDIOTS!?”

Woman: “She’s got a devil! That’s why she struggled! The holy water burned it! She needs to be purified!”

Bystander: “OR SHE COULD’VE BEEN DROWNING, YOU F******* HAG!”

(By this time, security had shown up and dragged the couple away, still raving about the ‘devil’ I’ had in me. I received a gift card from mall corporate for my brief misery. Oddly enough, a few days later, one of my eyes started to clear up surprisingly rapidly. Well, even if I was only half-possessed, I don’t think being baptized in a mall wishing fountain is a cure that’s going to catch on anytime soon!)